Prisoner exchange creates political crisis

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – A political crisis has erupted in the aftermath of the President’s decision to exchange several al-Villainy prisoners for a US soldier captured in combat five years ago.

At a ceremony in the White House Basketball Court, the President made the announcement of Corporal Whatshisname’s release, to the enthusiastic applause of the soldier’s parents, Mr and Mrs Whatstheirname.

“We never forget our soldiers”, said the President. “That’s why we have Arlington National Cemetery and civic monuments and all that stuff for all those dead guys.

“We also don’t forget the ones who are still alive, although we often lose track of them in and around VA hospitals. So welcome home, Corporal Whosis.”

After his long captivity among foreign-speakers, Corporal Whatshisname reportedly finds it difficult to return to speaking English. This handicap was no reason to delay Whatshisname’s immediate promotion to Brigadier General, said the President, and if the problem persisted, Whatshisname might end up as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff in periods when Congressional testimony is frequently required.

However, Opposition members of Congress expressed concern that the President’s action had violated the law. The Speaker of the House, Stoneage Bomber, said that the President, by failing to consult Congress, had “taken single-handed control of US foreign policy – an unprecedented action. When it comes to war and peace, or anything in between, we insist on our right to rubber-stamp.”

Rabid Mikrofone, the chair of the badly misnamed House Intelligence Committee, argued that the prisoner exchange could also encourage acts of terrorism, some of which might be committed by foreigners. “Foreign terrorists are generally looking for money. Let’s keep our terrorism American and free.”

A similar point was made by Republicans in the Senate. “The Supreme Court has made it clear that money is citizenship”, said Senator Tex Crotch (Tea Party, Salem). “So why didn’t the President think more about money when he made this decision that potentially affects all citizens?

“Up till now, the terrorists would mostly just kill our soldiers. The President’s unwise, illegal and probably treasonous Islamic decision now gives the terrorists an incentive to hold our soldiers for ransom instead. And how does the President propose to pay those ransoms without increasing the national debt or raising taxes? I mean, isn’t the motto of our military ‛Death before debt’?”

At first, there was speculation that the disagreement might end up in a case before the Supreme Court, until it was pointed out that a decision overturning the exchange might be ignored by the al-Villainy members, who would probably not return to Guantanamo even if free air fare were offered.

Alternatives such as impeachment of the President or an act of Congress reducing Corporal/Brigadier General Whatshisname to the rank of Pfc were discarded as too difficult to carry out before the November elections.

If the President refuses to back down and return Corporal Whatshisname to captivity in Pakistan, or at least to public oblivion, the Opposition is likely to call for an international arbitrator to settle its differences with the White House. Said Congressman Mikrofone, “The well-respected Thai statesman, General Prayuth, might be available as soon as he has sorted things out in Bangkok.”

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