WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – The growing saga of false news took a surprising turn today when it was revealed that T. Ronald Dump is not, in fact, the US President-elect.
Chuckling uncontrollably at a media conference, Blaze Banshee, the chief executive of alt-insane internet site Batshit News, revealed that he had totally fabricated the Presidential election result. Not only had Dump not won the contest; he had not even been a participant in it.
“Ronald Dump is not a real person. He is a meme created by NBC as the supposed host of its unreality TV program Salacious Apprehension.”
Banshee said the network had given Dump a deliberately grotesque appearance so that viewers would realize it was all a joke. When viewers nevertheless took him seriously, network executives feared that revealing the truth would alienate too much of their audience.
Seeing this, Banshee had decided to make the fictional TV host into a Presidential candidate.
Banshee added that not only the November election result, but also most of the Republican primary campaign, had been his invention.
“To be honest, I was amazed by the absurdities I could get away with. My Governor Rick Risky – who wanted to be President so that he could pardon himself for likely criminal convictions – was probably the most realistic of my creations; I can understand some people initially thinking he was a real person. But Dr Bent Colonoscope? ‘CEO’ Curtly Fired? Mike Wannabe? Senator Random Pall? Governor Posh Crawler? Senator Mark Arboreal?
“And probably the best of all – aside from Dump – was Jeb !!! Metoo. I think I could have invented a Martian and had it taken seriously as a candidate.”
However, Banshee denied inventing the candidacy of Senator Texas Crude. “Not even I could come up with something as crazy as that,” he insisted.
He also said he had nothing to do with the Democratic primaries: “The Democrats did their own things. Some weren’t bad, but I don’t think any of them came close to mine.”
Banshee’s revelations have raised serious Constitutional problems. It is not at all clear who, if anyone, is now the President-elect, since the Constitution contains no provision for a TV meme taking the office of President.
The Democratic candidate, Hermione N. Clement, if she is real, didn’t receive enough electoral votes to become President. Some Republicans have suggested that the position falls to the apparent Vice President-elect, Governor Mickey Tuppence. However, doubts were raised by Banshee’s reply to a journalist who asked if Tuppence was real: “Of course he is. But I told you that about Dump too.”
A number of observers, mostly foreigners, have suggested the best course would be for the United States to try going four years without a President.