Church conclave condemns sexual abuse, if caught

ROME (Rooters agency) – Pope Frankie John Paul Mark II today declared “all-out disapproval” of priests, bishops, archbishops, cardinals, and popes who have been, or in the future may be, caught in flagrante delicto sexually abusing children.

Of course, this sort of thing has been going on for a long time,” Pope Frankie added. “I am told that it sometimes occurred even among dinosaurs, who were creatures that existed a long time ago, even before the creation of the world, as recorded in the Bible. All good Christians should think about that, but hopefully not too much.”

Pope Frankie was speaking at a special conference in the Vatican, titled “Sexual abuse: what can we do if we have to do something?”

The priests, bishops, archbishops, cardinals and pope in attendance unanimously agreed with Pope Frankie’s proposal that clergy who have been abusing children should “stop immediately, or at least as soon as possible” and “should strenuously try to avoid being caught.”

Noting that the most sexual abuse occurred within the family, the Pope said that in future the Church would therefore no longer uphold the nuclear family as God’s preferred arrangement for procreation and the upbringing of children, except in all of its religious instruction to believers.

The rape of children “is, and historically has been, a widespread phenomenon in all cultures and societies,” the Pope said. “They all do it, but we are trying to look better, so I am telling you all to stop. And at least the Church has never gone in for human sacrifice of children – unless, of course, they were heretics.

But anyway, while online pornography is available, how can you expect it not to affect the priests who are forced to watch it every day?”