Ho-hum: Former fixer reveals more Presidential crimes

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump is a “cheat,” “con man,” “liar,” “racist,” “sexist,” “tax fraudster,” “Russian agent,” “corrupter,” “library fine defaulter,” “adulterer,” “bribe recipient,” “Saudi agent,” “falsifier of evidence,” “conspirator,” “mass killer,” “and numerous other disgusting things I can’t bring myself to mention.”

These were the charges leveled during this quiet week by Dump’s former consigliore and money launderer Mick Clobber as he gave testimony to Congressional and Senate committees, most of whose members visibly struggled to stay awake.

“Is that all?” one of the committee members asked, yawning. “We knew all that. Isn’t there anything new?”

Responding after the conclusion of Clobber’s testimony, Senate Majority Dictator Mulch McCoal said, “None of that amounts to a high crime or misdemeanor. Can we now get on to something serious, like building a wall or fence or prison camp or something somewhere that the President will approve of?”

From the other side of politics, House Speaker Natty Petunia conceded, “It’s clear that impeachment will never get through the Senate, even if the President were to shoot someone in broad daylight on New York’s Fifth Avenue. Therefore, the most pressing task facing our caucus is to rein in those of our members suffering from the misguided idea that the point of being in politics is to try to change something.”

The White House also responded to Clobber’s testimony. Press secretary Sarah Wannabe Slanders charged, “Mick Clobber is an incurable liar; otherwise the President would never have hired him. He has exposed himself with the lying claim that the President is a library fine defaulter: everyone knows that the President has never, in his entire life, had anything to do with a book.”