How The Ronald defeated the Devilcrats

From The Dump Dynasty: A Short History for High School Students, Godly Press, 2033:

With the blessings we enjoy today (the cause of the jealousy that makes the rest of the world hate us), it is too easy to forget the hardships endured by the Founding Dump, The Ronald, Blessed be His Name, to Make America Great.

When The Ronald set out to Make America Great, the leader of the country was called “the President” and was selected in an “election.” In the 2016 election, an overwhelming majority of Americans rejected all the Fake News and chose The Ronald as their leader. But the enemies of greatness, grouped in a party called the Devilcrats, constantly sought to undermine and overthrow the Chosen One.

In 2020, emboldened by the backing of the Fake News, the Devilcrats challenged The Ronald to a test of strength in another election. The Ronald knew that the enemies of greatness intended this as a trap, but, relying on his unmatched wisdom and stable genius, he accepted the challenge.

The Devilcrats selected their champion, who dared to confront The Ronald in a nationally televised debate. Midway through the debate, the Devilcrat champion was so evil as to accuse The Ronald of “lying.” Guided from On High, The Ronald saw this as the moment to strike down the enemies of greatness: he took out his pistol (which, under the Old System, he was authorized to carry under a regulation known as the Second Amendment) and shot the Devilcrat dead.

The Ronald’s bold defense of American Truth was warmly welcomed by all good Americans, but the Devilcrats, using the rules of the Old System, demanded that The Ronald be imprisoned – just as the Pharisees and Jews demanded that Jesus Christ be persecuted.

However, The Ronald, who had long before seen through the tricks of the enemies of greatness, had wisely installed as Attorney-General the sainted Willie Wagtail. And Attorney-General Wagtail rightly declared that, even under the Constitution of the Old System, it was sacrilege to seek to imprison the President.

Since their champion was dead, the Devilcrats had lost the election and The Ronald was re-elected (although the Faithful first had to block or discard the ballots of more than 23 million illegal Muslim Mexican invaders: see the next chapter). This fulfilled the 2016 prophecy of The Ronald: “I could shoot someone dead on Channel Five and still win the election.”

It was only through these challenges and ordeals that The Ronald was able to establish Great America and the blessings we enjoy today under Great Dumps Ivankilla and Jaded.