Threats everywhere

National Security Blanket Committee

excerpts from minutes of the meeting

The President: Well, now that we’ve dealt with the Venezuelan threat, I guess the world is a safe place for the Homeland again? Or are there any other dangers?

The Secretary of State: Well, there are some threats in Iraq. And Syria – those ISIS terrorists. Perhaps we should impose sanctions on their leaders.

The Chief NSB Advisor: We’re already bombing them. That’s stronger than sanctions.

The Secretary of State: Yes, but we haven’t been able to bomb the leaders yet. So if we prevent them from banking in the Homeland or visiting Disneyland, they might begin to feel the pressure.

The President: Is it legal to do both? We want to be legal.

The Attorney-General: Yes, that’s no problem.

The Secretary of State: The problem is, they aren’t the only people in the neighborhood who are behaving badly. The Iranians are still being rude to Benji. And then there’s Greece. If the left-wing regime there tries to destroy the euro by letting people have jobs, the whole of Europe might start to unravel.

The Deputy Secretary of State for Eastern Europe Affrays: Especially in Eastern Europe. We know that the people there are better off than they were under Communism, but there are signs that Islamo-Communist propaganda is convincing some of them that in the old days they were able to eat regularly.

The President: So we should bomb the Greeks then?

The Chief NSB Advisor: Let’s start with sanctions and work up to drones if we need to.

The Secretary of State: I agree: always start with diplomacy.

The President: Anything else?

The Deputy Secretary of State for Asian Affrays: I’m afraid there are quite a few threats. For instance, Indonesia is making a PR mess of executing a few drug smugglers. This could give capital punishment a bad name and therefore threaten our ability to defend ourselves against terrorism here in the Homeland. And the Thai generals look like settling in by putting in jail everyone who is popular, instead of buying them off.

The Chief NSB Advisor: Don’t they ever learn?

The Deputy Secretary of State for African Affrays: Africa needs some attention. Despite the bases we have established, there are lots of people and even governments that are acting without considering our express wishes. And North Africa – even some American newspapers have noticed how things are going there.

The Chief NSB Advisor: There’s no worse sign.

The Deputy Secretary of State for the Backyard: As we discussed earlier, the plans for regime change in Venezuela are not going well. The Colombian government appears close to agreeing to end the country’s civil war, which of course will reduce the influence of our military assistance. South America generally is frequently stepping out of line. As for Central America …

The President: No, please don’t mention Mexico; I’m getting a headache.

The Deputy Secretary of State for the Backyard: And the Nicaraguans are planning to build a canal to compete with our canal in Panama.

The President: Let’s look at the big picture. The threats to our national security seem to be multiplying everywhere. Does anyone here know of any place outside the Homeland where our national security is not under attack? (Silence.)

That makes it clear, doesn’t it? They’re either us or they’re against us. They’re a threat to our national security. Roll out the sanctions and the drones.

The Chief NSB Advisor: For some countries, let’s do it in reverse order: drones first, then sanctions. Just to keep them off balance. Their insecurity is our security. I think we’ve done it!

The Deputy Secretary of State for the Homeland: Excuse me, but there’s still a threat we haven’t considered. There are a number of states that are pretending to overturn federal law by legalizing the consumption of marijuana.

The President: Shit! Are they trying to bring back the ’60s?

The Attorney-General: If this spreads, it could lead to demands to release people who are in prison for smoking pot.

The Deputy Secretary of State for the Homeland: The loss of all that prison labor could wipe out an important part of the economy.

The President: It’s time to be decisive: immediate sanctions on all the offending states. If they haven’t backed down in a month, launch the drones.

The Secretary of State: I agree completely, but I think we may need to be prepared to defend the legality of doing this inside the Homeland.

The Attorney-General: I think we’re okay. We’ve got a solid precedent, in President Nixon, who said, “If the President does it, it’s not illegal.”

The President: Good. And Nixon was a Republican, so no one in Congress will object.

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