WASHINGTON (Rooters agency), D-Day minus 8 – Not wasting time on formalities like actually taking office, President-elect Ronald Dump has fired all of the United States’ ambassadors and numerous other people who “will find out when the paychecks stop arriving.”
He has also begun appointing officials of the new Administration, and the Senate is likely to approve all of them. Blanche Carte, spokesperson for Senate Majority Leader Mulch McCoalface, explained: “We hope to have everyone ratified by D-Day [January 20]. That way, if anyone is later convicted of something or otherwise becomes an embarrassment, we can point out that they were appointed while Obama was President.”
Some of the President-elect’s most significant appointments are:
Jaded Kumquat will be Everything Advisor. Questions of possible conflict of interest have been raised because of Kumquat’s widespread business interests, many financed by banks in Not Terribly Friendly Countries. A spokesperson for Kumquat responded that he has chosen to forgo his salary “because, what the hell, if you can’t make lots of bucks working in the White House, there’s something seriously wrong with you.” It is not clear who was reassured by that remark.
One of Kumquat’s main assignments will be to bring about peace, or at least relative quiet, in the Middle East, and to do so in a manner satisfactory to Israeli Prime Minister Bud Nottonyernelly.
Vankilla Dump was given her mother’s name (Vanilla), but modified to help Ronald Dump remember which of them was who. Vankilla is married to Jaded Kumquat, which doesn’t harm his influence at all. She has been appointed Secretary of Gender Equality in order to oversee the abolition of that Department – the President-elect said he wanted it abolished, and no one in the transition team dared to tell him it doesn’t exist.
The President-elect’s son Ronald Ronald has been described by his father as “a highly successful businessman, guaranteed to succeed in any position I appoint him to.” An executive vice-president of the Dump Organization in charge of building projects, he will oversee the construction of the wall on the Mexican border, including selection of the contractor and subcontractors for the project.
Another son, Tarzan Dump, is executive vice-president for greed of the Dump Organization and also the founder and Lifetime President of the Me Foundation, which aids worthwhile causes by raising money from people who like to be seen playing golf on courses owned by Ronald Dump. Like his sister Vankilla, he has been appointed Secretary of a Department that doesn’t exist, Social Welfare.
Breakfast Dump, Ronald Dump’s second daughter, is known as the youngest person (chronologically, not mentally) to address the Republican National Convention, an event presented on Instagram 568 times. She has been appointed Chief Censor, a position which doesn’t officially exist yet but is scheduled to be created on D-Day plus one. Her first priority, she has indicated, will be to ban the word “groping”.
Baron Dump, age 10 going on 11, has been nominated to fill the Supreme Court vacancy. Ronald Dump’s press secretary Evan Spicier explained, “This will save taxpayers an enormous amount of money, since they will no longer have to pay for him to attend school.”