Joint resolution on blowing up Syria

Whereas, we have several times politely told the government of Syria to resign, and it has refused to do so; and

Whereas, the government of Syria has killed its own people, which is a right reserved to us and our closest allies; and

Whereas, the government of Syria has attacked its domestic enemies with chemical weapons, as we have been reliably informed by Israeli intelligence, which knows all about chemical weapons thanks to the extensive Israeli practice with them in Gaza; and

Whereas, the Syrian government’s chemical weapon may have been sarin gas, which would indicate that it might have obtained the gas illegitimately from Saddam Hussein, whom we helped to make it back in the late 1980s on the condition that it be used only against Iranians; and

Whereas, those ponces in the British parliament have stabbed us in the back; and

Whereas, it’s up to us once again to keep the Middle East safe for our oil companies; and

Whereas, President George III has graciously condescended to ask our opinion as long as it agrees with his;

Now, therefore, be it resolved by all of us pork barrelers, lobbyists, militarists, consumers of illegitimate wealth, imperialists, and no-hopers in Congress assembled:

Section 1: Short Title.

This joint resolution may be cited as “Authorization to Save the Syrian Population by Bombing the Bejesus out of Them”.

Section 2: Authorization for Wanton Destruction.

(a) The President is authorized to use the Armed Forces of the United States as he determines to be necessary and appropriate in a limited and tailored manner against legitimate military targets in Syria, which are either (1) anything that moves, or (2) things like buildings, which aren’t moving.

(b) Before exercising the authority granted in subsection (a), the President shall make available to the Speaker of the House of Representatives and the President pro tempore of the Senate his determination that—

1. the United States has used all appropriate diplomatic and other peaceful means to prevent the deployment and use of weapons of mass destruction in the region by any country other than the United States and our closest allies (Israel);

2. the United States has a specific military plan to prevent Syrian civilians from being killed by the Assad government by getting our forces in to do it first;

3. the use of military force is consistent with and furthers the goals of the United States strategy toward Syria, including achieving a negotiated settlement of any outstanding issues raised by our oil companies (and Israel).

Section 3: Limitation

The authority granted in section 2 does not authorize the use of the United States Armed Forces on the ground in Syria for the purpose of combat operations; but if they are helping threatened civilians (including employees of the CIA, NSA, and Israeli intelligence), that’s different of course, and a wink is as good as a nod.

Section 4: Termination of authorization

This authorization shall terminate 60 days after the enactment of this resolution, or after we have sorted the place out to the satisfaction of the President and a new Syrian government has been established that protects the human rights of employees of the CIA, NSA, and Israeli intelligence and any other special friends of the moment.

Section 5: Rule of construction.

Nothing in this resolution shall be taken to authorize war crimes that become public knowledge, or a loss of (mostly US) life exceeding the expectations of Fox News viewers, or anything else that might reflect badly on the Congress. But go ahead.