Administration says maybe armed teachers not needed

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – In a surprise development, the White House appears to be retreating from President Ronald Dump’s call for teachers to be armed to defend schoolchildren from harm during any of the country’s semiweekly mass slaughters.

A day ago, President Ronald Dump told a meeting of state governors that, if he happened to be next to a high school and heard gunfire, “I’d run in there even if I didn’t have a weapon and the bone spurs in my feet hurt and I’d win the Congressional Medal of Honor for hitting that shooter with fuzzy and feist like he’s never known even if it wasn’t a Muslim or a North Korean.”

The President didn’t address the question of how he would distinguish the sounds of a gun fired by a mass murderer from one fired by a teacher or authorized keeper of the peace annoyed by unruly students. However, today a White House insider who spoke on condition of anonymity suggested that the administration has decided to skirt that issue by proposing that children be defended, not by armed teachers, but by “volunteers who share the President’s courage.”

The insider said the President believes he has more than enough supporters “who want to make America grate again” that it would be easy to find the required number of volunteers. To get the ball rolling, prominent members of the Administration might become very visible volunteer school defenders initially.

The President himself probably couldn’t spare the time from his busy tweeting schedule, but he was thinking of deputizing to act for him Jeff Symptoms, who the President said “isn’t doing anything useful against this Russian thing anyway.” He is also thinking of having family members volunteer, saying, “Maybe Vankilla and Jaded could get some good publicity for once.”

However, the insider added that some of President Dump’s advisors are trying to get him to deal with potential problems before rushing ahead with the program. For instance, would it really help the program’s public image if Dump Supporters like former Senate candidate Rabid Morbid was photographed roaming high school hallways among 15-year-old girls? even if their mothers agreed?

Rooters asked the insider whether the volunteers would all be unarmed. “Who knows?” he replied. “The President has said he wants an end to gun-free zones in schools. So, if the volunteers have bought a gun legally, why not take it along?”