President-elect fulfills campaign promise

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President-elect Ronald Dump is not waiting for his inauguration to start acting on some of his campaign promises.

Throughout the months of campaigning, Dump repeatedly promised to “Make America Grate Again,” and the grating has already begun.

Of course, as the opposing candidate, Hermione N. Clement, pointed out, America had already been grating on most of the rest of the world for well over a century, and would continue to do so if she became President.

But Dump argued that, merely by making a few peaceful-sounding noises, President Different had persuaded “suckers” (overseas governments) that the United States was becoming less grating. If Clement became President, Dump claimed, she would be merely President Same as President Different, and America’s grating rating would continue to be doubted by many foreigners. In the end, voters in key swing states seem to have been persuaded that Dump would be more grating than Clement.

During the campaign, Dump was able to give concrete evidence of his superior grateness in regard to domestic issues. Whereas Clement chose a vice-presidential running mate whom no-one had heard of before or since, Dump went for the incomparable Mickey Tuppence, who has insulted, offended and attacked nearly as many people as Dump himself.

Then, of course, there was Dump’s selection of Blaze Banshee to head his campaign. As chief of the right-wing website Batshit News, Banshee has grated on uncounted millions of sensible people all over the world.

Proving that he intends to make good on his promises, Dump has now appointed Banshee as his chief strategist. It is not completely clear what the duties of this new position will involve, but it probably includes setting nuclear targeting priorities, which nearly every country in the world could easily find grating.

Paradoxically, some politicians in the Dumpster Party (formerly the Republicans) have sought to cast doubt on whether Dump can really make America grate as much as he claims. The Dumpster Senator from South Carolina, Listless “Cracker” Grahame, said that he didn’t find Banshee’s appointment at all grating, because “I’ve never met him.” (The interviewer was not a Rooters journalist. Rooters subsequently sent a query to Grahame, so far unanswered, as to whether he has the same attitude to other unmet people including John Wilkes Booth, Kaiser Wilhelm, Adolph Hitler, and Joseph Stalin.)

Senator Mark Arboreal, like Grahame an unsuccessful candidate for the Republican presidential nomination, said that Dump could choose whoever he wanted for his staff. He said he wanted Dump to be “successful,” a word he did not further define.

However, it is generally believed that, in casting doubts on Dump’s ability to make America grate more than ever, the two Dumpster senators are merely being sore losers.

Nearly all observers here in the capital are convinced of the President-elect’s intention and ability to make America grate again. One insider quoted Shakespeare: “Some are born grating, some achieve grateness, and some have grateness thrust upon them.” All three descriptions, he said, fit Dump.

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