Compromise ends European crises

GENEVA (Rooters agency) – In a summit meeting here on neutral territory (Switzerland is not a member of the European Union), negotiators last night reached a compromise to resolve two of Europe’s biggest current crises.

After several days of sometimes heated discussions that resulted in several dueling scars, German and Greek negotiators agreed on a combined package that has been approved by both German Chancellor Adriana Muckle and Greek Prime Minister Pro Tem Alfie Gyprock.

The basics of the compromise are two: Greece’s debt is totally forgiven. In return, Greece agrees to take on the total ownership of Volkswagen, including all current and future assets and liabilities. Especially the liabilities.

The Troicksters (the European Complicity, European Coronial Bank, and Interest Monitoring Foundation), who are overseeing Greece’s inability to pay its debts, were present in the negotiations and have approved the outcome, subject to Greece repealing any laws prohibiting the selling of Greek children into slavery. This is not expected to be a problem, PMPT Gyprock having issued a press release saying “What else can I do?” several hours before receiving official notification of the Troicksters’ condition.

In Berlin, Chancellor Muckle said she “would shed a tear, but not a euro” at seeing VW cease to be a German corporation.

“You have to be philosophical about these things,” she noted. “This is one last sacrifice that VW can make for the Fatherland.”

However, amidst the general relief at the resolution of two crises, a few dissenting voices were heard. These came from several of Greece’s non-German creditors.

Off the record, a French government insider argued that the Greeks owe more to French banks than to German banks, so France should also get something from the deal. He suggested that ownership and hence decommissioning responsibility for several of France’s ageing nuclear reactors could be transferred to Greece. Or even just the physical possession of the wastes.

Asked by reporters about Greece’s other European creditors, Chancellor Muckle replied with a German phrase that apparently translates as “Tough luck, suckers!”

“One of the things we learn from history,” Muckle continued, “is that history isn’t permanent. I figure it’s our turn.”