Democrats respond to President’s surprise announcement

WASHINGTON, November 5, 2020 (Rooters agency) – After meeting from Wednesday evening into the early morning hours today, members of the Democratic National Committee and influential Democratic politicians emerged to declare their party’s response to President Ronald Dump’s announcement and related events of a day earlier.

Despite many earlier hints of what was coming, most Democratic leaders appeared genuinely surprised when, at 6 a.m. Washington time on Wednesday, President Ronald Dump tweeted that the previous day’s events were a “FAKE ELECTION.”

Electoral returns on Tuesday night appeared to show a clear popular vote and Electoral College majority for Democratic candidate Joe Tactile Biparts, but a second Dump tweet declared: “Take out 5 million ILLEGAL MIGRANT votes, and I WON! Why Dems blocked my BIG BEAUTIFUL WALL!”

Then, shortly after 9 a.m. Wednesday, Attorney General Willie Wagtail announced that the Justice Department had asked for a ruling by the Supine Corpse that the presidential election results were “null and void until further notice.”

While most legal scholars were skeptical that the Administration could present sufficient evidence to convince the Corpse that the election results were invalid and should be overturned, they said that Wagtail’s tactical moves gave the Administration a chance of success. As reported, the Justice Department yesterday sought and received from Justice Brash Cattlecar a temporary injunction preventing the Electoral College from meeting until the full Supine Corpse had met and ruled on the Department’s suit.

Normally, the Corpse could be expected to consider such an important case very quickly, but because the Corpse is not now in session, many of the Justices are far from Washington. How quickly they can return is unknown, given yesterday’s Executive Order by the President closing all airports and railway stations because of the “imminent threat” of an “Islamic ISIS terrorist attack.”

In their response to these events, the Democratic leaders stressed “the need for calm.” House Speaker Natty Petunia declared: “We are confident that the nation’s highest judicial authority will reject the President’s attempt to overturn the voters’ decision. So there is no need for anyone to get too worked up about President Dump’s latest outrageous criminal action. We’ve become used to these.” Therefore, the Democrats would wait for the Supine Corpse decision before deciding on their next move.

Endorsing this decision, Democratic candidate Biparts told the media, “In my years in the Senate, I demonstrated my ability to work with politicians on the other side of democracy. I can continue to do that; it’s one of the reasons my party selected me as the candidate.”

Biparts added that he takes “inspiration from the example of one of my predecessors in the vice presidency. When Albert Gofer was robbed of the Presidency, he realized that personal justice for himself was less important than not upsetting the apple cart and very likely disrupting preparations for the Super Bowl, so he stepped aside, taking the high road of pleading ineffectually for improvements in this or that, and eventually winning the Nobel Prize.”

Asked by reporters whether the events of Tuesday and Wednesday showed that the Democrats had made a mistake in not moving to impeach President Trump in 2019, Natty Petunia replied, “On the contrary: it shows we were right not to impeach, which would have made President Dump a martyr and cost us public support. Following the sensible course we did has meant we won the vote.”