Iran misunderstands US demand

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – The administration of President Ronald Dump has been working overtime in an effort to “correct an unfortunate misunderstanding.”

The misunderstanding arose when Secretary of State Dick Pompous told a press conference that President Dump was ready to engage in talks with the Iranian government only when Iran behaved “like a normal nation.”

“Let’s take them at their word,” Iranian President Hassan Rubaiyat reportedly told a meeting of his cabinet. “Presumably they regard themselves as normal. So Pompous is telling us to act like them.”

Of course, the Iranians realized that they lacked the resources to achieve the full normality of the United States, but they began doing their best to imitate the model. First came the annexation of approximately 40% of neighboring Turkmenistan. “Nothing personal,” read their message to the Turkmenistan government as Iranian troops poured across the border, “but we have a manifest destiny that involves as much of the Caspian Sea as we can get.”

When Azerbaijan, which also borders the Caspian Sea, was reported to be seeking foreign backing against possible Iranian claims, President Rubaiyat announced the Rubaiyat Doctrine, which said that Iran would oppose any foreign involvement in Caspian affairs, “and Russia has promised to back us.”

At the same time, Iran reportedly began sending sizable secret funds to a number of political parties in Europe and South America, in an effort to ensure that future governments in selected countries would be favorable to Iran.

Proposals for the establishment of Iranian military bases in southern British Columbia, Ontario, and northern Mexico are being discussed with the Canadian and Mexican governments. An Iranian naval flotilla, including an aircraft carrier, two battleships, and submarines armed with tactical nuclear weapons, is preparing to conduct a “freedom of the seas operation” by sailing through the Straits of Florida.

“That’s not what we meant!” Secretary Pompous told an emergency meeting of the UN Security Council. “We are the abnormal nation. Normal nations are the rest of you, the ones we do it to.”