White House chief of staff on the ropes

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump’s vocal endorsement of Long John Emptybarrel has convinced political observers that the White House chief of staff is on his way out.

Speaking on behalf of the President, counselor Kelly Anna Conda said that Dump has “full faith” in his chief of staff. “The president says General Emptybarrel is doing a great job,” she said.

And, just in case anyone had missed this kiss of death, Conda added that the President was “not actively searching for replacements” for Emptybarrel – the key word “actively” meant to tell would-be replacements that they should send in their CVs now, without waiting to be asked.

The President is believed to be annoyed that Emptybarrel did not do enough to defend White House staff secretary Bob Protem when the latter was accused of domestic violence by both of his former wives.

Administration insiders who requested anonymity said that President Dump was heard to complain, “I thought Republicans were in favor of tough love. Next they’ll be saying that groping is illegal. Whatever happened to romance, like in the movies? – You know, Sleeping with Gropers and Once Were Bashers.

Publicly, the President complained about a lack of “due process” in regard to Protem. White House legislative director Marcus Brutus said that Dump’s views on this question were “shaped by a lot of false accusations against him in the past.” This referred to a large number of accusations of past sexual misconduct against the President. None of these alleged incidents, as Dump has repeatedly pointed out, were captured on film.

The words about “false accusations” may also refer to the 2016 election campaign, when Dump’s opponent, Hermione N. Clement, threatened to jail Dump if she was elected and frequently led campaign rallies in chanting: “Lock him up!”