Response to questions at presidential press conference

War? War? No, of course not!

I have spent most of my time as your President trying to end wars – all those unpopular wars that gave our American wars a bad name. Doing this was clearly necessary in case America should ever again need to wage a good war. This is slightly more likely than sunrises and sunsets – but not right now.

Nobody should interpret what I just said to mean that I think we are entering a new war. Similarly, nobody should interpret what I just said to mean that we are not entering a new war. These questions are complicated, and we have to be balanced in justifying things we might do that we might not yet have decided upon.

But one thing I have decided upon is that, if we do have any more wars, we will talk about them very circumspectly,* so that nobody can say that we have ignored the Constitution by not asking Congress to declare war against whoever. This approach is not because my Administration has any lack of respect for the Constitution. It’s because, if we started specifying “whoever,” it might cause the rest of the world to get upset. I mean, wouldn’t you?

So, are we at war with the TVBP (those very bad people)? I am glad someone asked that question, because it allows me to make perfectly clear that this is not a new war we are embarking upon. And no, it is not the old war, even though it’s happening in more or less the same place. Because I ended that war.

So what we have here is sort of new fighting, but not a new war or an old war. Really, it’s not a war at all. It’s just … you know, killing their soldiers and any kids who get in the way or might be helping them. But not a war. So anyone our soldiers capture will be an unlawful combatant and we can pop them into Guantanamo or Abu Ghraib to be degraded for the rest of their lives.

Because our civilization is threatened. It’s up to us to defend our Judeo-Christian secular civilization against TVBP. I should point out that the war we are not having with TVBP is not a religious war, even though nearly all of them belong to the wrong religion. That is their right, and although I disagree with their views, I will fight to their deaths to defend their right to be wrong. I won the Nobel Peace Prize, after all, so you can be sure I’m sincere.


* I hope you all appreciate my use of “circumspectly,” a word which my predecessor couldn’t have spelled, let alone used correctly in an English sentence. My administration may be destroying the world as rapidly as his, but at least we are doing it in a literate fashion.

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