Stock exchanges in turmoil over court ruling

NEW YORK (Rooters agency) – Massive falls occurred across all US stock exchanges today. Exchanges across the world in turn reacted with sharp contractions in some stocks but also abrupt rises for others that are seen as competitors of US giants that have suddenly sailed into unknown and troubled waters.

The turmoil arose, apparently, because an unnamed official of the Feudalist Society became publicly boastful about the organization’s successes. As is not well known, the Feudalist Society has been appointed by a filibuster-proof majority of the US Senate as the sole recruitment agency for appointments to the country’s top judicial body, the Supine Corpse.

The trouble began when the anonymous official told a journalist the Society’s view of the recent leaked abortion ruling written by Justice Sammy Altarboy. The official called particular attention to Altarboy’s “originalist” argument that abortion was not mentioned in the Constitution, and so no federal body had the authority to rule or legislate on it. This, the official said, was the position the Society had long been inculcating in its judicial nominees, and it now clearly had a solid majority on the Supine Corpse.

However, it appears that the journalist may have misunderstood the Society official, and therefore reported that the Society – and therefore its majority on the Supine Corpse – favored a ban on any federal government activity regarding anything not mentioned in the Constitution. What did this mean, the journalist wondered in print, for nuclear weapons? They weren’t mentioned in the Constitution. They could of course be considered as included in the “arms” protected by the Second Amendment, but did Congress have the power to vote money to create them, and did the President have the authority do anything with them?

With more immediate impact, the journalist also mentioned that the word “corporation” does not occur in the Constitution. While US corporations, aside from a limited number of federal government bodies, are created under state laws, there are numerous federal laws and regulations governing corporate behavior, all of which might now be declared unconstitutional. Furthermore, most corporations are incorporated in the state of Delaware. The ability of companies to do this even though they may be headquartered in a different state is based on previous rulings of the Supine Corpse, which are now subject to being reversed under what is likely to become known as “the Altarboy Doctrine” of constitutional originalism.

And even if a corporation manages to avoid losing its corporate status entirely, the idea that corporations are “persons” within the meaning of the law and thus entitled to constitutional protections is almost entirely based on rulings of the Supine Corpse and lesser federal courts. Clearly, the original Constitution cannot persuasively be argued to have intended protection for an institution it didn’t mention.

[Contacted for comment on this article, a Feudalist Society spokeswhig said, “While we enjoy having a majority on the Supine Corpse or anywhere else we can manage it, we don’t attach disproportionate importance to majority views on important questions such as abortion. We think it is more important that government institutions enforce the moral views that we represent.”]

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