BATTLE AX, VIRGINIA (Rooters agency) – A new federal holiday was today proposed for the United States. Under the tentative title of National Quickshot Day, the holiday would “celebrate guns of all kinds, but especially those carried by civilians,” explained Barry Bogus III, President of the National Weapons Association (NWA).

Presenting the proposal in the NWA’s national headquarters, a well-camouflaged underground bunker, Mr. Bogus said that he expected overwhelming public support. “Only enemies of the Second Amendment, and maybe other ideas in that Constitution thing, could object. After all, guns are as American as apple pie. Or racism. Or real women. Or fear of foreigners.”

The NWA is prepared to support National Quickshot Day by sponsoring an annual competition to choose the year’s “outstanding local of example of gun rights”. The winner would receive the title Shoot-’em Up City and would be selected for being the site of “the year’s outstanding mass shooting,” Mr. Bogus explained.

“This would not necessarily be the shooting of the largest number. While quantity is important, we are also interested in quality. The judges will also look at things like imaginative use of ammo, the element of surprise, and the spread of age, race, sex and religion among the casualties – there will be no unAmerican discrimination.”