Takeover offer raises questions

NEW YORK (Rooters agency) – Wall Street, and exchanges around the world, were thrown into turmoil by what is undoubtedly the most unusual takeover bid in the history of takeover bids since the Serpent bought Eden for a price of one apple.

The purchase offer was not for a corporation as such, but for a billionaire who would presumably give his owner(s) control of a number of valuable companies: Elongated Mulch. However, it was not clear whether the would-be purchasers were aware that it no longer seemed likely that Mulch would soon have control of internet giant Twister.

Even more surprising than the target of the takeover bid, which appeared without explanation on the Wall Street exchange, was the identity of the bidder: the “State Foreign Investment Monopoly of Europa.” After some initial confusion, it was soon clear that “Europa” was not a misspelling of “Europe,” but the moon of Jupiter. This became indisputable when astronomers reported that the surface of Europa displayed for several minutes clouds of steam spelling out “Yes, it’s a serious offer” in English, Chinese, and a script that has not yet been deciphered.

The resulting market turmoil has been due only partially to Earth billionaires suddenly realizing that they themselves might be on the market. More confusion was created by the details of the Europan offer, which specified that Mulch would not be allowed “any contact with our resort planet, Mars,” and that the proposed purchase price of Mulch was either “3 trillion klgngulobznn” or “17 grlng.”

This implied an exchange rate of 1 grlng to 176.5 billion klgngulobznn. However, a footnote to the Europan message declared that the exchange rate was “1 grlng + wwmnzz to 38 klgngulobznn.” This would be difficult to understand even if it did not imply that the value of wwmnzz is negative. Some analysts have suggested that Europan capitalism may differ in significant ways from the capitalism we know on Earth.

However that is resolved, Earth capitalism quickly adapted to the unexpected. While Wall Street closed for two and a half hours before resuming trading, by the next day there were at least 16 new cryptocurrencies incorporating the names “grlng,” “wmnzz,” and/or “klgngulobznn.”