News From Somewhere

(Rooters agency) – According to anonymous reliable sources, the Iranian government has unofficially reached out through third countries to say that it recognizes that its launch of numerous drones and missiles against Israel was an “unnecessary” escalation of the situation following Israel’s bombing of an Iranian diplomatic building in Syria.

“We should have responded more in keeping with Israel’s attack,” an Iranian foreign affairs official is quoted as saying.

What the Iranians regard as a more measured response was not spelled out.

However, US Secretary of State Wynkin Blinkered, replying to reporters at the Gross Seven Foreign Ministers conference in Capri, said he did not think that an Iranian bombing of the Israeli Embassy in Washington would have “created less tension” than the actual Iranian response.

WASHINGTON, November 17, 2026 (Rooters agency analysis) – Less than two years ago, the nation seemed to believe that the 2024 Great Compromise (GC) had ushered in what would be at least a decade or so of relative political peace. How wrong we (nearly) all were.

When many of the 42 percent of voters who had been told their 2024 presidential candidate had lost stepped up their arming and threatened to launch immediate civil war, it became clear that the main thing they had in common—aside from the belief that most of their allies were Reversals In Name Only—was their opposition to computerized ballot counting.

Hence the central concession leading to the GC was the pledge to replace machine ballot tabulating with hand counting in future elections. Other concessions, such as releasing the former President from prison and allowing him and members of his family to take political asylum in Saudi Arabia, were important, but all observers knowledgeable about the negotiations leading to the GC agreed that hand counting of ballots was the crucial issue.

But now, two weeks after the 2026 midterm elections, enough votes have been counted to cause uproar among minority supporters. It appears that the Reversal Party has won about 37 percent of votes nationally, which is enough to give it only 45 or 46 percent of the seats in the House of Representatives and 46 or 47 percent of the Senate. These figures have enraged the party and its backers, who are claiming that the vote totals are fraudulent.

While acknowledging that ballots were hand counted in all areas, the critics say that the adding up of ballots from different electorates to give a statewide total was done, “nearly always, by computers,” and that these results can’t be trusted.

According to B.G. Pilloes, the spokesperson of the QA Right Thinkers Movement, “When the people who are doing the hand counting report their totals, we can accept those figures even if they don’t all agree with each other. But when those figures from different areas are reported to the state capitals, they are just added together by a computer or some other machine that is easy to rig.”

Pilloes said he would give a prize of $10 million to anyone who could prove that the machines totaling statewide votes were not programmed by Fidel Castro or Hugo Chavez.

Similarly, the Reverse Everything Alliance has issued a call to “take machines out of deciding who we elected.” When electorate totals are reported to state capitals, it said, they should be added together “by American voters, not by foreign machines. The arithmetic Americans have learned in school is easily up to that job.”

Endorsing that demand, Pilloes added, “To be really sure there’s no

Unexpected turmoil in midterm election results

WASHINGTON, November 17, 2026 (Rooters agency analysis) – Less than two years ago, the nation seemed to believe that the 2024 Great Compromise (GC) had ushered in what would be at least a decade or so of relative political peace. How wrong we (nearly) all were.

When many of the 42 percent of voters who had been told their 2024 presidential candidate had lost stepped up their arming and threatened to launch immediate civil war, it became clear that the main thing they had in common—aside from the belief that most of their allies were Reversals In Name Only—was their opposition to computerized ballot counting.

Hence the central concession leading to the GC was the pledge to replace machine ballot tabulating with hand counting in future elections. Other concessions, such as releasing the former President from prison and allowing him and members of his family to take political asylum in Saudi Arabia, were important, but all observers knowledgeable about the negotiations leading to the GC agreed that hand counting of ballots was the crucial issue.

But now, two weeks after the 2026 midterm elections, enough votes have been counted to cause uproar among minority supporters. It appears that the Reversal Party has won about 37 percent of votes nationally, which is enough to give it only 45 or 46 percent of the seats in the House of Representatives and 46 or 47 percent of the Senate. These figures have enraged the party and its backers, who are claiming that the vote totals are fraudulent.

While acknowledging that ballots were hand counted in all areas, the critics say that the adding up of ballots from different electorates to give a statewide total was done, “nearly always, by computers,” and that these results can’t be trusted.

According to B.G. Pilloes, the spokesperson of the QA Right Thinkers Movement, “When the people who are doing the hand counting report their totals, we can accept those figures even if they don’t all agree with each other. But when those figures from different areas are reported to the state capitals, they are just added together by a computer or some other machine that is easy to rig.”

Pilloes said he would give a prize of $10 million to anyone who could prove that the machines totaling statewide votes were not programmed by Fidel Castro or Hugo Chavez.

Similarly, the Reverse Everything Alliance has issued a call to “take machines out of deciding who we elected.” When electorate totals are reported to state capitals, it said, they should be added together “by American voters, not by foreign machines. The arithmetic Americans have learned in school is easily up to that job.”

Endorsing that demand, Pilloes added, “To be really sure there’s no fraud, we have to check everything. So we need a hand count of the electorate totals reported to the center. If they say there are 10,000 votes for candidate A and 9,500 for candidate B, we need to hand count those votes before we put them into the state total. And then hand count the total.”

fraud, we have to check everything. So we need a hand count of the electorate totals reported to the center. If they say there are 10,000 votes for candidate A and 9,500 for candidate B, we need to hand count those votes before we put them into the state total. And then hand count the total.”

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – According to White House insiders who must remain anonymous, President Joe Notrump is “frustrated” by his seeming inability to have greater influence on Israel’s war in Gaza.

The President is said to be “puzzled” by the lack of response of Israeli Prime Minister Bud Nottonyernelly to US efforts to restrain some of the more extreme operations of the Israeli Destruction Force (IDF). “I rang Nottonyernelly on our hotline a little while ago,” the President told one aide, “and all I got was recordings—music, followed by him saying ‘Hamas, Hamas, Hamas’ over and over again. Maybe it was too late at night there when I called?”

“We are considering how to increase our impact on the Israelis,” said another Administration official. The prevailing view among top advisers is that “the Israelis need to be reminded of how much they depend on us.” The President believes that the best way to ensure that “is to increase our financial and military support, so that they fully understand just how important we are to them.”

The President is also said to think that the impending IDF assault on Rafah can be forestalled “by a really massive flow of money and weapons in the next few weeks.”

MOSCOW (Rooters agency) – Russian President Vladitude Buttinsky has denied that Russia’s recent military intervention in Florida was an act of “aggression” against the United States.

On the contrary, Buttinsky insisted, the Russian activity was “at the specific request” of the Americans concerned.

As is well known, late on a moonless night three days ago, Russian paratroopers landed on the grounds of the famous Florida resort Mainly Loco. Moving quickly to the main residential building, they bundled former President Ronald Dump aboard a helicopter that had landed near the golf course’s first tee and flew him to a waiting offshore aircraft carrier, from which he was soon flown to Moscow.

The former President has not yet reappeared in public in Russia, but President Buttinsky said he is “well and resting, recovering from jet lag.”

The Russian President, speaking to the media today, pointed out that the action of the Russian paratroopers was “thoroughly in keeping with President Dump’s wishes.” American newspapers, he said, had widely quoted Dump’s earlier remarks that he would encourage Russian military intervention into any member of NETO (the Nearly Everywhere Treaty Organization) who “didn’t pay their bills.”

“President Dump,” Buttinsky said, “is noted for many things. But he is most famous for not paying bills. When he said that, I knew it was appropriate for me to act.”

NEW HAMPSHIRE (Rooters agency) – To the surprise of at least some of the devout, Brian Wrinkly did not do at all well in this state’s Republican primary ballot. After receiving 0.7 percent of the votes in Iowa’s caucus a week earlier, Wrinkly managed only 0.1 percent in New Hampshire.

A pastor who founded his own church and a wealthy businessman (in finance), over the last nine months Wrinkly has spent millions of dollars of his own money on his presidential campaign. Some people might regard that money as wasted, but Wrinkly believes he is operating on divine instructions.

“God spoke to me many years ago about this,” he says. “It became increasingly clear that He had a message for our country,” and that message involved Wrinkly winning a presidential election.

The lack of success so far in Wrinkly’s campaign raises some possibly knotty theological questions. Since God is known to be a registered Republican, it is hard to understand why He is not offering more visible support for His anointed candidate, and also to comprehend why the other candidates, whose piety cannot be doubted, do not stand aside and endorse Wrinkly.

Seeking answers to such questions, Rooters addressed the campaign office of Once and Always President Ronald Dump. Why, we asked, did Dump not pay more attention to the views of fellow Republican God?

The O&AP replied on his own social medium, Brutal Antisocial: “That guy? He’s no Republican. When it comes to gods in this party, THERE’S ONLY ROOM FOR ONE OF US.”

WASHINGTON (Reuters agency) – President Joe Notrump has denied widespread speculation that bombing attacks were launched on Yemen as “payoffs” to Saudi Arabia, which has been attacking the country with air raids for many years.

“That’s nonsense,” the President replied to a question at his postponed semiannual Open Government Transparency Event. “I have no inside information about things given to my predecessor, but I am under no obligation to meet commitments that he may have been made,” he said. “I didn’t even ask Saudi permission before I sent the bombers in. I was sure they would approve.

“As President, it is my solemn duty to protect American citizens from any harm that might be caused by someone or something that could be bombed. So, when I heard that those Houthi terrorists in Yemen were attacking Israeli shipping, I knew immediately that this US state had to be defended.

“If some Congresspeople don’t like this, they should look at the alternative: a President who would just override Congress’s right to decide important questions.”

Looking to possible further developments, the President pledged: “We will defend international freedom of commerce everywhere, except for some small exceptions that have to do with Cuba, China, other countries we’re annoyed with or competitors who dare to challenge our technological superiority.”

WASHINGTON, July 31, 1877 (Rooters agency) – The American government has rejected suggestions that its dispute with western Indian tribes over ownership of the Black Hills should be submitted to arbitration.

Mr. Progress Babble, a spokesman for the Rutherford Hayes administration, said it stood by the Moneypenny Commission’s recommendation, passed into law by Congress in the last days of the Ulysses Grant administration, that sovereign ownership of the 900,000 acres be transferred to and remain forever with the United States, “as is our Manifest Destiny and the will of God.”

“Anything less,” Mr. Babble declared, “would be to concede to the aims of the anti-American Sioux terrorists who are responsible for so much death and destruction.” This was primarily a reference to last year’s ambush of General Custer’s unsuspecting soldiers by Sioux warriors and their allies that slaughtered more than 260 Americans.

“Furthermore,” he continued, “the Sioux and their confederates have left the Black Hills voluntarily, as we warned them to do.”

Mr. Babble denied that the Indians’ departure was due to the cutting off of all food supplies to the area, as had been claimed by a few religious spokesmen. “Allowing the anti-American terrorists to remain in the area would create a permanent source of instability and threat to peace,” he said. “Now and for all time, the United States will resolutely oppose any compromise or accommodation with terrorism.”

In response to Israeli bombing raids on Gaza over several months, US President Joe Notrump today declared that “Palestinians’ right to defend themselves,” while “all very well in theory,” is unfortunately “not really practical in today’s world.”

In the current world situation, the President explained, Palestinian resistance to Israeli attacks—for example by shooting back—is terrorism, an unacceptable crime which is defined as doing to our friends “any fraction of what we regularly do to our enemies.”

However, the President did hold out the hope that Palestinian self-defense could in the future become acceptable “if Palestinians would just go along with what we and the Israelis have planned for them.” Doing that “might well make Palestinian self-defense unnecessary, even if there were still some of them left.”

Wholly Holy Truthmagazine, the voice of the Wholly Holy Church of All the Truly Holy Apostles, is proud to present a journalistic exclusive. After our repeated humble prayers, the Lord of Hosts and Everything granted an exclusive interview exclusively to our reporter. The text of the exclusive interview is as follows.

Wholly Holy Truth: Lord, thank You for giving up some of your valuable time in order to share your views with our readers.

GOD: You’re welcome. But time? I’ve got no end of that. In fact, I created time, if I remember correctly. So if I run out of it, I can always create some more. Now, what would you like to ask me?

WHT: Well, Lord, once You had created the universe, what comes next? For You, I mean. Do You intervene in it a lot?

GOD: Intervene? I should think so! Do you think your galaxy just runs itself – which one is it, by the way?

WHT: Lord, we call it the Milky Way.

GOD: Oh yes, I glanced in at that only half an eon ago. It’s one of the lesser galaxies, as I recall.

WHT: It can’t be easy, looking after all the galaxies. I believe there are quite a few of them.

GOD: Several hundred billion of them right now, maybe a trillion. You’ll appreciate that the number keeps changing: old ones disappear into black holes or whatever, new ones pop up now and again. It’s one of the things that helps to keep me from getting bored.

WHT: And what sorts of interventions do You do in these galaxies?

GOD: Well, the galactic level actions are pretty straightforward. For instance, if two or three galaxies are on course to collide, I’ll have a think about whether that should go ahead, or should their courses be modified.

Actually, that sort of galactic thing doesn’t occupy me very much. But there are the stars – now, they keep me busy.

WHT: How is that?

GOD: Perhaps you haven’t thought about it, but all those galaxies are full of stars: lots of them. Some small galaxies might have only a few hundred billion stars; the larger galaxies might have several trillion. If I were to spend one-millionth of a second thinking about each star in the universe, your star would have exploded before I finished thinking about them all.

WHT: My god! Uh, sorry, I mean, really?

GOD: Would I lie to you? But that’s only the stars. Nearly all of the stars have planets revolving around them. And who do you think keeps track of the planets?

WHT: How do You manage it?

GOD: Well, remember that I created it all. And it wasn’t a bad job, if I do say so myself. It was meant to run automatically, and mostly it does. But occasionally something goes a bit awry. Then I have to decide whether or not to put things back the way I thought they would go, or let things proceed and see what happens.

WHT: How do You decide whether or not to intervene?

GOD: Sometimes I roll dice, or flip a coin – don’t ask me if that’s really so; I already told you I wouldn’t lie. In fact, I’m incapable of lying, because, if I say something, it automatically becomes reality.

WHT: On Earth, the planet I live on, we think that You intervene in our lives quite regularly. And many of us frequently ask You to do so; we call it praying.

GOD: Where in the world did you get such notions?

WHT: We read them in the Bible.

GOD: What’s that? A magazine? A book? Who’s the author?

WHT: Uhh, we think You are. Not in the sense that You typed it out on a computer, but that You told the writers what to say. “Divinely inspired,” we call it.

GOD: That sounds really weird. If I wanted to be an author, why would I need ghost writers? And why would I go looking for readers on an insignificant planet on the edges of a not very special galaxy?

WHT: Does that mean You disagree with some of what’s written in the Bible?

GOD: I don’t know: I’ve never read it. As I indicated earlier, I’ve got other things to occupy my attention, like keeping an eye on several septillion stars.

WHT: But for two thousand years, we’ve thought that the Bible contained Your instructions about how we should live, who we should love or hate, when it’s okay to kill each other, how much we should interfere with other people’s health care – just about everything. Now am I supposed to tell our churches that that’s not so?

GOD: I don’t care. I won’t notice what you tell yourselves.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I want to think about a possible experiment. I’m wondering what would happen if I made dark matter visible.

(Rooters agency analysis) – It is probably a sign of the declining influence of religion in the nation’s life that a recent Biblical reference by a prominent politician has left many Americans scratching their heads and wondering what he was talking about.

The remark by Governor Romp Desadist, who is challenging Ronald Dump for the position of Once and Forever President, came in response to an unfortunate incident on a New York City subway train, after which police eventually arrested the participant in the incident who was still alive. Governor Desadist went on record saying that this arrestee should be regarded as a “good Samaritan,” and the dead participant should have been the one arrested.

Clearly, the Governor had momentarily forgotten his frequent warning that “woke” educators have destroyed widespread public knowledge of Scriptures, where the story of the good Samaritan occurs. To help puzzled readers, Rooters asked for an explanation of the Biblical story from Professor Increase B. Thumper, Spiritual Guidance Counselor, CEO, and CFO of Real True Gospel University™.

Professor Thumper told Rooters that the Biblical story was about a homeless potential danger on a public road (“the Biblical equivalent of a subway”), who unjustifiably threatened passers-by by looking poor and homeless. Most travelers simply avoided him, but not the good Samaritan.

Samaritans, Professor Thumper explained, are the name the Bible attaches to virtuous people, so that you can always know that whatever a Samaritan does is behavior you should imitate. In the Biblical story, the good Samaritan tackled, held down, and squeezed the neck of the dangerous public nuisance until he stopped moving, or breathing, and for a few more minutes after that, just in case.

“I don’t know what happened in New York,” Professor Thumper concluded, “but I’m sure that Governor Desadist wouldn’t misrepresent any lesson from the Scriptures.”