US offers olive branch to Kim

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Secretary of State Dick Pompous this week held out an olive branch to the North Korean regime of Kim Jung-il Jim.

Following his visit to Pyongyang, where Pompous discovered that the North Korean leader hadn’t heard about the agreements that President Ronald Dump announced he had made with Kim, Pompous sought to persuade the North Koreans that they should sign on the dotted line and trust the US to fill in the details later.

When a country decides to create a brighter future for itself alongside the United States, we follow through on our promises,” Pompous declared. “For example, Libya agreed to complete denuclearization, and ever since we arranged for that Qaddafi fellow to be tortured to death, Libya has been a … No, scratch that. Think of Vietnam instead.

Vietnam has had a brighter future, and a brighter present, since 1975. We promised them billions of dollars for rebuilding bits of what we had bombed, and we might actually have given them the money if they hadn’t gotten uppity and kicked our ass out.

Still, they’re doing pretty well since they stopped shooting at us when we left, and the lesson of that is that … well, I guess I’ll let the President explain that.”

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Posted in Libya, North Korea, nuclear weapons, Vietnam War | Leave a comment

White House statement on killing of journalists

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – On behalf of President Ronald Dump, who was busy tweeting, White House Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe Slanders today issued a strong statement on the murder of five employees of a Maryland newspaper:

Strongly condemn the evil act of senseless violence in Annapolis, MD. A violent attack on enemies of the American people doing their job is an attack on every American. Our prayers are with the victims and their friends and families.”

Posted in Capital Gazette | Leave a comment