Cryptocurrency rise solves nearly everything

NEW YORK (Rooters agency) – The executives in charge of the cryptocurrency Barnumcoin have announced that they will renounce their entitlement to untold wealth in order to benefit the entire world.

Last week’s speculative rise in the value of Barnumcoins took the total value of all the world’s Barnumcoins to around $270-280 trillion. This is more than three times the annual gross world product – the value of all the economic activity on the planet.

P.T. Bespoke, on behalf of a collective of Barnumcoin investors, has announced that the group, which owns about 60-62 percent of the world’s Barnumcoins, after reserving $5 trillion of the currency for its members, has decided to distribute all the rest of its Barnumcoins equally to the entire population of the Earth.

They calculate that this means every human being will receive Barnumcoins to an approximate value of $30,000. (People who have incomes from other sources would of course continue to receive them.) But that is only the beginning: there is no reason why the bonus to everyone cannot occur annually, provided only that people generally continue to invest in this golden goose.

With every individual guaranteed an income of at least $30,000 a year, there would no longer be any economic compulsion for anyone to work at any task they didn’t want to do. In such a situation, it should be easy to smooth out and eventually overcome hostility and conflicts between groups that in the past often felt the need to compete for economic resources.

It is clear, Mr Bespoke concluded, that we are on the threshold of a perfect world – as long as we all continue investing in Barnumcoins.

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Texan independence raises questions

AUSTIN (Rooters agency) – The House of Representatives of Texas today formally declared the independence of the the Republic of Texas. The unanimous vote was considered a foregone result after the house voted last week to expel all of its non-Repulsican members.

That expulsion measure was explained by the majority party in the introduction to the motion with the words “Nah, nah, nah, we can do it back to you.” Off the record, Repulsicans explained that the action was retaliation for the vote by Demonstratives in the federal House of Representatives to ban Georgian Repulsican Congresswoman Modesty Trumpgang Grene from bringing a Gatling gun into the House chamber unless she first removed all the cartridges (the Repulsicans had rejected a compromise proposed by the Demonstratives to ban “most” of the cartridges).

It is not clear what effect Texan independence will have on either Texan or US politics. The state’s two senators, Texas Crude and John Cornpone, both Repulsicans, have indicated that their “undying support” for Texan independence will not prevent them from voting in the US Senate for “as long as we can get away with it.”

If Texas really becomes a separate country, presumably its current senators would no longer be seated in Washington and the Demonstratives would then have a 50-48 margin in the Senate, which would mean there was no longer such a pressing need for senators to remain awake when votes are being recorded. But the Repulsicans’ ability to block legislation would not be seriously affected, because the Demonstratives would still need 59 votes to pass much of anything. This is due to the filibuster, a rule of the Senate that says, “Democracy requires old white male minorities to have a veto on everything.”

The response to the Texan declaration by the Mexican government has so far been cautious. However, when questioned by Rooters, the Mexican government’s press department pointed out that President Antonio López de Santa Anna had signed the Treaties of Velasco in 1836 under duress. But, in the spirit of cooperation with recent US government positions, Mexico would be agreeable to helping to fund a border wall if it was located along the Arkansas River.

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Exclusive: Text of Presidential letter

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Rooters has learned the content of the letter that departing President Ronald Dump left for incoming President Joe Notrump.

While not revealing the content of the letter, President Notrump described it as “very generous.”

The text of the letter was given to Rooters by a source that cannot be named for obvious reasons, but which Rooters considers totally reliable. The text is as follows:

“Hi Sleepy Joe,

“For UNITY, let Bygones be. The Country needs Unity and NO BYGONES. So Pardons for me and the Family would be GREAT.

“We would be VERY GREATFUL. It’s worth a Cool Ten Million if you do the RIGHT THING.

“Best Wishes,

“Your Once and Future President”

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Cryptocurrency hits new highs

NEW YORK (Rooters agency) – Investors are rushing to buy Barnumcoins as the popular cryptocurrency hits new highs. The digital currency is seen as a hedge against inflation, as its price has been rising even more rapidly than the debts governments are creating as they pump vast sums into stagnant economies.

Barnumcoins are attractive to people who are bored with the features of ordinary currencies they possess and would like to see something different. Also, because they exist only on computers, they are considered especially secure. (A thief might make off with your wallet full of dollars or euros or other pieces of paper, but even if the thief takes your computer, they can’t steal your Barnumcoins – unless, of course, you have been careless enough to record your Barnumcoin password on that computer.)

The price of Barnumcoins has risen remarkably in the last 10 to 12 months. Economists believe this is due to the Covid-19 pandemic, which has shut down much of the economy: since there are many fewer real commodities to buy, people are buying Barnumcoins instead.

Investment analysts generally agree that the price of Barnumcoins will continue to rise for the foreseeable future, unless it crashes instead. Currently, the value of one Barnumcoin has risen to equal three 17th century Dutch tulips, which have recently enjoyed a revival and seller’s market on exchanges around the world.

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President reportedly planning post-January 20 move

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – “What? Me worry?” declared President Ronald Dump yesterday. “Why should I when I won the election and people love me all over the world?”

The President was responding to reporters’ questions as to whether he was concerned about facing possible legal problems once he leaves the White House.

Despite President Dump’s apparent confidence, there are indications, including from Administration insiders, that he is considering unusual, even unprecedented, steps to protect himself after January 20. Among them, according to some reports, is seeking political asylum abroad.

Such a move would protect the ex-President not merely against federal charges (which could be blocked more easily by a presidential pardon) but also against state charges reportedly being considered by authorities in New York and possibly other states. It is unclear what effect political asylum might have on the ability of banks, many of them overseas, to obtain payment of Dump’s large debts.

According to one insider, the President is quite confident of obtaining asylum, if he asks for it, in an unnamed “very friendly” and “compatible” country that “doesn’t have fake news media lying about me all the time.”

Which country the President has in mind may or may not be indicated by the puzzlement of another White House adviser, who wondered why he was asked to check “if there’s an extradition treaty between the United States and the Confederate States.”

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President loses one of those ‘best people’

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – In August 2020, Dr. Scott Atlas was appointed a special advisor to President Ronald Dump, as part of the White House Coronavirus Task Force.

During his four months in that position, Atlas advocated policies that largely coincided with the Covid-19 denialism of President Dump: opposing universal testing, claiming that masks and social distancing were ineffective, supporting a strategy of herd immunity.

During those months, the United States, lacking an effective strategy against coronavirus, suffered tens of thousands of needless deaths.

Atlas shrugged.

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Electoral College vote challenged

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) December 15 – President Ronald Dump late last night rejected the vote of the Electoral College, which voted by 306 to 232 to elect Joe Notrump as President of the United States.

“The whole election was rigged,” the President declared to a hastily convened media conference in the White House. “It’s the bigliest fraud in the history of elections. We will be taking this straight to the top court.”

President Dump ended the conference without specifying precisely what complaint he intended to submit to the Supine Corpse, but in early morning tweets today, he claimed:

“The Electoral Collage counted thousands, tens of thousands of ILLEGAL VOTES, all for Sleepy Joe. Millions of votes in Electoral Collage for your favorite President Ronald Dump weren’t counted.”

Later this morning, the President’s lawyer pro tem, Rudely Juicy, said the Dump campaign would shortly file “a writ of ceteris paribus and posse comitatus” asking the judiciary to overturn the Electoral College’s “clearly fraudulent vote.”

“We have thousands of affidavits,” Juicy said, “from people who were denied the right to vote in the Electoral College election. Why, just the affidavits from members of the Boastful Boys are more than enough to overturn Notrump’s lead, and most of them will testify under oath that they were denied entry even though they did not try to exercise their Second Amendment right to carry guns into the EC polling place.”

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Government: Fears for Empire are ‘balderdash’

Rome, 22 Augustus 454 – There is no cause for alarm in the current world situation, according to Imperial Spokesman Plentius Fabricus. The barbarian raiders harassing our borders are a nuisance, but not a serious threat to the Empire, Fabricus declared.

Claims that the Empire is unsound are “balderdash,” Fabricus said. “Just over three years ago, our valiant legions defeated the impudent invasion by Attila and his terrorists.

“Attila, we have recently learned, is now dead, and there is no serious possibility of any of the other Germanic tribes producing a leader who could pose a comparable threat to our rule.”

The Imperial Spokesman was disparaging of the news media, which he said seemed to thrive on pessimism. There was no real threat to the Empire for the next CCC or even D years.

“What the pessimists don’t realize,” Fabricus concluded, “is that the Roman Empire is just too big to fail.”

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President: Rally ‘biggest ever’

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump has denied that his campaign rally in Tulsa had failed to live up to his advance description, which said: “The event in Oklahoma is unbelievable. The crowds are unbelievable. They haven’t seen anything like it.” Also before the rally, the President said, “We’ve never had an empty seat at my rallies. And we certainly won’t in Oklahoma.”

Photographs of the rally appeared to show only around half of the arena’s 19,000 seats occupied. But these were “FAKE NEWS pictures,” the President tweeted. “Just like the fake photos of my Great Ingraution pretended it wasn’t the biggest since Abraham Lincoln. Abe told me himself.”

The Tulsa rally, the President continued, “was the biggest political rally ever held in the middle of a hoax pandemic. Much Bigger than reported in the FAKE NEWS. It shows I am supported by the Silent Majority AND the Invisible Majority.”

A week before the rally, the manager of President Dump’s election campaign, Bland Parsnip, claimed that the campaign had received requests for “more than a million tickets” to the rally.

Rooters was unable to contact Mr. Parsnip to ask about the apparent discrepancy. However, the White House press secretary, Klueless McNinny, explained to reporters: “Some millions are smaller than other millions. That’s a definite alternative fact.”

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Secretary of State praises ‘smooth transition’ to second term*

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Secretary of State Dick Pompous today spoke proudly of “the incredibly smooth transition” to President Dump’s second term, which begins next week.

“We thought the Democrats might make a fuss,” Pompous said, “but after the Supine Corpse rulings overturning their election frauds, everything has gone quite well.”

The Secretary of State went on to praise Attorney General Willie Wagtail for his “brilliant arguments” before the Supine Corpse, which led to the ruling that further frauds against the will of the American people could be prevented only by ruling that Ronald Dump was now President for Life.

“Since that ruling, the Attorney General has also ensured public calm and stability by jailing and sometimes prosecuting any and all antifa terrorists who have tried to disrupt it. America can now look forward to a prolonged period of economic prosperity and good health.” (The last remark was apparently a reference to the former Covid-19 pandemic, new cases having rapidly declined to zero after President Dump banned testing for it.


* Dear Rooters subscriber: If you have received this report, please ignore it. It is obviously nonsense and was not intended for general circulation. Rather, at the request of President-elect Joe Notrump, Rooters prepared it to send to the White House in the hopes that it might pacify outgoing President Ronald Dump and thus dissuade him from causing too much damage during his last days in office.

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