Hackers send ‘up yours’ to US government

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – The foreign hackers who are believed to have been hacking into US government systems appear to have escalated their activities in what US security agencies call an “impudent” fashion.

This is the conclusion of a careful study of a message that appeared on a new and untraceable web site last week. The site, bearing the name “Gotcha,” listed some of the recent reports about the hacking of US agencies and then added:

“Remember how you reassured US citizens worried about your phone tapping, email intercepting and other spying activities? If you’re not doing anything wrong, you said, you’ve got nothing to worry about.

“But now you’re very worried about people reading your emails. After we’ve had a look at some of them, it’s clear why no one in Washington is repeating that ‘nothing to worry about’ line any more.”

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Surprises on casualties in Pentagon study

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – A still classified study for the Pentagon is reported to suggest some major strategical changes that might significantly reduce American military casualties in the Middle East.

The study, coming after the recent rocket attacks on American forces in Iraq, which provoked President Notrump’s order of retaliatory bombing raids on Syria,* has revealed some surprising information: of all the US service people killed or wounded in Iraq in the last five years, none have been killed or wounded in the United States.

Even more striking is the study’s finding that, during the same period throughout the broader Middle East, the statistics were identical: none of the American casualties occurred in the United States.

According to a source in the Pentagon, the study has not yet been thoroughly reviewed by top layers of the Department of Defense, so it is not known whether the findings will have any significant ramifications for US policy in the Middle East. It is also unknown whether similar studies are planned for other areas of the world.

* At Rooters, we are reporters. We tell you what happened. Don’t ask us to make sense out of it.

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Cryptocurrency rise solves nearly everything

NEW YORK (Rooters agency) – The executives in charge of the cryptocurrency Barnumcoin have announced that they will renounce their entitlement to untold wealth in order to benefit the entire world.

Last week’s speculative rise in the value of Barnumcoins took the total value of all the world’s Barnumcoins to around $270-280 trillion. This is more than three times the annual gross world product – the value of all the economic activity on the planet.

P.T. Bespoke, on behalf of a collective of Barnumcoin investors, has announced that the group, which owns about 60-62 percent of the world’s Barnumcoins, after reserving $5 trillion of the currency for its members, has decided to distribute all the rest of its Barnumcoins equally to the entire population of the Earth.

They calculate that this means every human being will receive Barnumcoins to an approximate value of $30,000. (People who have incomes from other sources would of course continue to receive them.) But that is only the beginning: there is no reason why the bonus to everyone cannot occur annually, provided only that people generally continue to invest in this golden goose.

With every individual guaranteed an income of at least $30,000 a year, there would no longer be any economic compulsion for anyone to work at any task they didn’t want to do. In such a situation, it should be easy to smooth out and eventually overcome hostility and conflicts between groups that in the past often felt the need to compete for economic resources.

It is clear, Mr Bespoke concluded, that we are on the threshold of a perfect world – as long as we all continue investing in Barnumcoins.

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Texan independence raises questions

AUSTIN (Rooters agency) – The House of Representatives of Texas today formally declared the independence of the the Republic of Texas. The unanimous vote was considered a foregone result after the house voted last week to expel all of its non-Repulsican members.

That expulsion measure was explained by the majority party in the introduction to the motion with the words “Nah, nah, nah, we can do it back to you.” Off the record, Repulsicans explained that the action was retaliation for the vote by Demonstratives in the federal House of Representatives to ban Georgian Repulsican Congresswoman Modesty Trumpgang Grene from bringing a Gatling gun into the House chamber unless she first removed all the cartridges (the Repulsicans had rejected a compromise proposed by the Demonstratives to ban “most” of the cartridges).

It is not clear what effect Texan independence will have on either Texan or US politics. The state’s two senators, Texas Crude and John Cornpone, both Repulsicans, have indicated that their “undying support” for Texan independence will not prevent them from voting in the US Senate for “as long as we can get away with it.”

If Texas really becomes a separate country, presumably its current senators would no longer be seated in Washington and the Demonstratives would then have a 50-48 margin in the Senate, which would mean there was no longer such a pressing need for senators to remain awake when votes are being recorded. But the Repulsicans’ ability to block legislation would not be seriously affected, because the Demonstratives would still need 59 votes to pass much of anything. This is due to the filibuster, a rule of the Senate that says, “Democracy requires old white male minorities to have a veto on everything.”

The response to the Texan declaration by the Mexican government has so far been cautious. However, when questioned by Rooters, the Mexican government’s press department pointed out that President Antonio López de Santa Anna had signed the Treaties of Velasco in 1836 under duress. But, in the spirit of cooperation with recent US government positions, Mexico would be agreeable to helping to fund a border wall if it was located along the Arkansas River.

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Exclusive: Text of Presidential letter

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Rooters has learned the content of the letter that departing President Ronald Dump left for incoming President Joe Notrump.

While not revealing the content of the letter, President Notrump described it as “very generous.”

The text of the letter was given to Rooters by a source that cannot be named for obvious reasons, but which Rooters considers totally reliable. The text is as follows:

“Hi Sleepy Joe,

“For UNITY, let Bygones be. The Country needs Unity and NO BYGONES. So Pardons for me and the Family would be GREAT.

“We would be VERY GREATFUL. It’s worth a Cool Ten Million if you do the RIGHT THING.

“Best Wishes,

“Your Once and Future President”

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Cryptocurrency hits new highs

NEW YORK (Rooters agency) – Investors are rushing to buy Barnumcoins as the popular cryptocurrency hits new highs. The digital currency is seen as a hedge against inflation, as its price has been rising even more rapidly than the debts governments are creating as they pump vast sums into stagnant economies.

Barnumcoins are attractive to people who are bored with the features of ordinary currencies they possess and would like to see something different. Also, because they exist only on computers, they are considered especially secure. (A thief might make off with your wallet full of dollars or euros or other pieces of paper, but even if the thief takes your computer, they can’t steal your Barnumcoins – unless, of course, you have been careless enough to record your Barnumcoin password on that computer.)

The price of Barnumcoins has risen remarkably in the last 10 to 12 months. Economists believe this is due to the Covid-19 pandemic, which has shut down much of the economy: since there are many fewer real commodities to buy, people are buying Barnumcoins instead.

Investment analysts generally agree that the price of Barnumcoins will continue to rise for the foreseeable future, unless it crashes instead. Currently, the value of one Barnumcoin has risen to equal three 17th century Dutch tulips, which have recently enjoyed a revival and seller’s market on exchanges around the world.

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President reportedly planning post-January 20 move

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – “What? Me worry?” declared President Ronald Dump yesterday. “Why should I when I won the election and people love me all over the world?”

The President was responding to reporters’ questions as to whether he was concerned about facing possible legal problems once he leaves the White House.

Despite President Dump’s apparent confidence, there are indications, including from Administration insiders, that he is considering unusual, even unprecedented, steps to protect himself after January 20. Among them, according to some reports, is seeking political asylum abroad.

Such a move would protect the ex-President not merely against federal charges (which could be blocked more easily by a presidential pardon) but also against state charges reportedly being considered by authorities in New York and possibly other states. It is unclear what effect political asylum might have on the ability of banks, many of them overseas, to obtain payment of Dump’s large debts.

According to one insider, the President is quite confident of obtaining asylum, if he asks for it, in an unnamed “very friendly” and “compatible” country that “doesn’t have fake news media lying about me all the time.”

Which country the President has in mind may or may not be indicated by the puzzlement of another White House adviser, who wondered why he was asked to check “if there’s an extradition treaty between the United States and the Confederate States.”

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President loses one of those ‘best people’

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – In August 2020, Dr. Scott Atlas was appointed a special advisor to President Ronald Dump, as part of the White House Coronavirus Task Force.

During his four months in that position, Atlas advocated policies that largely coincided with the Covid-19 denialism of President Dump: opposing universal testing, claiming that masks and social distancing were ineffective, supporting a strategy of herd immunity.

During those months, the United States, lacking an effective strategy against coronavirus, suffered tens of thousands of needless deaths.

Atlas shrugged.

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Electoral College vote challenged

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) December 15 – President Ronald Dump late last night rejected the vote of the Electoral College, which voted by 306 to 232 to elect Joe Notrump as President of the United States.

“The whole election was rigged,” the President declared to a hastily convened media conference in the White House. “It’s the bigliest fraud in the history of elections. We will be taking this straight to the top court.”

President Dump ended the conference without specifying precisely what complaint he intended to submit to the Supine Corpse, but in early morning tweets today, he claimed:

“The Electoral Collage counted thousands, tens of thousands of ILLEGAL VOTES, all for Sleepy Joe. Millions of votes in Electoral Collage for your favorite President Ronald Dump weren’t counted.”

Later this morning, the President’s lawyer pro tem, Rudely Juicy, said the Dump campaign would shortly file “a writ of ceteris paribus and posse comitatus” asking the judiciary to overturn the Electoral College’s “clearly fraudulent vote.”

“We have thousands of affidavits,” Juicy said, “from people who were denied the right to vote in the Electoral College election. Why, just the affidavits from members of the Boastful Boys are more than enough to overturn Notrump’s lead, and most of them will testify under oath that they were denied entry even though they did not try to exercise their Second Amendment right to carry guns into the EC polling place.”

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Government: Fears for Empire are ‘balderdash’

Rome, 22 Augustus 454 – There is no cause for alarm in the current world situation, according to Imperial Spokesman Plentius Fabricus. The barbarian raiders harassing our borders are a nuisance, but not a serious threat to the Empire, Fabricus declared.

Claims that the Empire is unsound are “balderdash,” Fabricus said. “Just over three years ago, our valiant legions defeated the impudent invasion by Attila and his terrorists.

“Attila, we have recently learned, is now dead, and there is no serious possibility of any of the other Germanic tribes producing a leader who could pose a comparable threat to our rule.”

The Imperial Spokesman was disparaging of the news media, which he said seemed to thrive on pessimism. There was no real threat to the Empire for the next CCC or even D years.

“What the pessimists don’t realize,” Fabricus concluded, “is that the Roman Empire is just too big to fail.”

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