News From Somewhere

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – In a shocking development that could disrupt the delicate balance of power between Retroactives and Demonstratives in Congress, last week a leading Retro was accused of not being human.

The conspiracy website Heynonnynon has publicized a claim that Congressthing Modesty Trumpgang Grene (also known as GMT, for Grossly Medieval Thinking), a leading Retro member of the House of Representations (HR), far from being a legitimate representative of the voters who first elected her in preference to nobody, is “totally unqualified to serve.”

This is because Grene is “not a human United States citizen, but an Artificial Intelligence robot created by a Rothschild space laser.”

Even if the Supine Corpse were to rule that AI robots can be citizens (considered quite possible since it earlier ruled that corporations are “persons”), Heynonnynon argues that she/it does not meet the Constitutional requirement of HR members being at least 30 years of age, having been “created in 2018 or 2019.”

A GMT spokesperson (spokesrobot?), in response to the Heynonnynon claim, said, “GMT has done more than anyone to expose the role of Rothschild space lasers in American politics. Heynonnynon should stop using so much of that stuff they told us about.”

An anonymous Heynonnynon spokesperson countered: “That’s a standard AI response when it’s exposed. It just proves our point. Did you expect them to admit it?”

However, it appears that GMT is seeking to tone down the controversy. Last night, she released a statement saying, “This is all a misunderstanding, which is partially due to me forgetting to pay my membership dues on time. We are all on the same side, and no one should doubt my devotion to the repeated re-elections of President Ronald Dump for as long as he is in charge of the Retroactive Party.”

(Rooters analysis) – One of the least expected and least publicized developments in the current Presidential election campaign is support former President Ronald Dump from an unusual quarter.

Peace activists, especially those concerned with the dangers of potential nuclear war, are usually considered to be on the left side of politics. But today, a still minority but growing segment of this demographic is arguing that the return of Dump to the White House is the preferable option in November.

The argument has two parts, both related to the ex-President’s allegedly declining mental powers. The first part says that Dump’s understanding of world geopolitics makes it hugely unlikely that he would launch a nuclear attack on any other nuclear-armed country—with the possible exception of France, whose weapons are probably not set up for a retaliation against the United States.

Secondly, these activists say, even if a President Dump were to decide to launch a nuclear attack on China or Russia, there is zero possibility that a man who thinks Hannibal Lecter is going to defend him from sharks would be able to remember the numeric and/or alphabetic code necessary to launch America’s nuclear weapons.

However, Rooters directed a question on this subject to the Dump campaign, and received a direct response from the ex-President himself: “It’s all fake news. Give me that nuclear basketball and I’ll show you I can input the code right now.”

TEL AVIV (Rooters agency) – After its “highly successful” pager and walkie-talkie explosions in Lebanon, the Israeli intelligence and covert operations organization Mossacre is rumored to have an even bolder move in preparation.

While nothing has been officially announced, sources close to Prime Minister Bud Nottonyernelly have told Rooters that Mossacre has been instructed to proceed towards implementation of Operation Scrumptious.

The plan of Scrumptious is based on the discovery that many Hezbollah fighters are fond of the Lebanese sweet baklava. It would be fairly easy, Mossacre technicians believe, to inject the filo pastry used to produce baklava with a quick-acting poison such as cyanide. “Many Hezbollah terrorists could be eliminated,” according to one of the sources, by cyanide-laced pastry used in commercially prepared baklava.

Asked whether the Israeli government had considered that such an operation might also kill significant numbers of innocent Lebanese civilians and therefore result in charges of war crimes, another of the sources said, “The Prime Minister doesn’t think that’s a problem. The use of poison against indigenous troublemakers is quite common: for instance in America or Australia, not to mention all the countries that today are exporting poisonous industrial wastes to countries not equipped to deal with them. Who has clean enough hands to criticize us?”

WASHINGTON, October 31, 2024 (Rooters agency) – “This is not what we are. This is not the real America,” declared Retroactive Party Presidential candidate Ronald Dump.

Responding to the same news as Dump, Vice President Houdini Nubiden basically agreed: “We know America can do better. We’ve got the record to prove it.”

The two were both reacting to the reality that is now overwhelming social media: as of 7 o’clock this morning (EST), the United States has gone for an entire week without an assassination or attempted assassination of a prominent politician.

That in itself would have occasioned surprise, if not amazement. But during the same week, there were three consecutive school days without a single school shooting anywhere in the country. Even more amazing, during the same three days, throughout the country, there was not a single mass shooting.

The White House is reported to be planning a televised message to the nation from President Joe Notrump, which would stress that the latest lack of events was basically a statistical anomaly and not to be regarded as any sign of things to come. (Statisticians are still trying to work out the odds against these three non-events occurring simultaneously.)

However, President Notrump’s optimism about a quick return to business as usual was contradicted by Ronald Dump’s Vice Presidential running mate, J.P. Cramps: “I don’t see how the country can return to normal when the Demonstrative Party is organizing millions of cat ladies to attack the Second Amendment.”

Wholly Holy Truth magazine, the voice of the Wholly Holy Church of All the Truly Holy Apostles, is proud to present a journalistic exclusive. After our repeated humble prayers, the Lord of Hosts and Everything granted an exclusive interview exclusively to our reporter. The text of the exclusive interview is as follows.

Wholly Holy Truth: Lord, thank You for giving up some of Your valuable time in order to share Your views with our readers.

GOD: You’re welcome. But time? I’ve got no end of that. In fact, I created time, if I remember correctly. So if I run out of it, I can always create some more. Now, what would you like to ask me?

WHT: It concerns the attempted assassination of former President and presidential candidate Ronald Dump in July. As I’m sure You know, he turned aside just at the moment the would-be assassin’s rifle was fired and was therefore only slightly injured rather than killed. Some of Your supporters in this country—even some who claim to be Your representatives—say that it was You that caused him to turn, in order to save his life.

GOD: First of all, if I were to appoint a representative on your silly little planet, I would make a public announcement about it.

Secondly, if I was really interested in how you creatures kill each other, and if I had a reason to delay the death of your—what do you call it?—presidential candidate, why would I wait until the very last millisecond? You know, if I wanted to protect what’s-his-name, I could have put that lunatic with a rifle in hospital with Covid or made his car have a flat tire en route to the rally. I have lots of options, you know.

I see one of the missed shots killed an innocent bystander. Do my so-called representatives blame me for that?

WHT: Some people say You decided to intervene in the whole affair only at the last minute, or last second.

GOD: I know that many of you think I change my mind—and even that you can persuade me to do so—by praying, for example.

It’s true that I have sometimes changed my mind. For instance, in your solar system, I originally was thinking of having the climates of Earth and Venus be more or less the reverse of what they ended up, but in the end I decided that would require too many complicated modifications of the laws of physics.

But if I had decided to switch my attention from managing several trillion galaxies in order to change something in your trivial little solar system, I would have done so at the start. The shooter wouldn’t have gotten near the place. Maybe he would never have been born. Don’t forget: I control everything.

WHT: But, if I may ask, what caused former President Dump to turn aside at the last second?

GOD: I haven’t looked into that, and I have other things to do. Maybe you could ask that poet, John Milton, if he’s still alive, who wrote a long and very funny poem about the activities of some of my mischievous angels.

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – In a surprising (to some) move, the Supine Corpse (SCOTUS), the United States’s top judicial body, has agreed to hear an English lawsuit seeking to invalidate the Declaration of Independence and return the USA to the sovereignty of London.

The suit was filed by several Barely United Kingdom lawyers shortly after the SCOTUS ruling that Once and Future President Ronald Dump can do “whatever the hell he pleases, because he’s the boss.”

The BUK lawyers emphasize that the Declaration states plainly that “the necessity which constrains” the colonies to declare independence is “the present King of Great Britain[’s] … history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States.”

According to the lawsuit, the SCOTUS decision recognizes that “the Chief Executive, or King, cannot be required to answer violations of law, let alone mere injuries and usurpations.” Furthermore, it adds, there is no US law against “absolute tyranny.”

It follows, the BUK lawyers continue, that none of the North American colonies “had any standing, at that or any later time,” to hold George III to account for any of his official actions, however tyrannical some people might have thought them. Therefore, the Declaration of Independence, being based on a blatantly illegal fiction, was invalid.

While it is not known how the SCOTUS will eventually rule in the case, a possible indication was contained in a casual remark of Justice Sampling Allthings accidentally recorded by a TV journalist: “My wife says it sounds good to her.”

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency analysis) – While there is already a great deal of judicial dispute over aspects of this year’s presidential election, one legal conundrum has attracted almost no attention. Yet it concerns what could be a crucial issue this year, and which is likely to become even more important in 2026 and 2028.

Earlier this year, the Abracadabra state Supreme Court ruled that embryos are children, even if they are not (yet) located in a mother’s womb. The ruling, made specifically in regard to frozen embryos created by in vitro fertilization (IVF), was welcomed by anti-abortion activists and organizations, and they can be expected to campaign to have the Abracadabra ruling adopted nationwide.

But even while the ruling applies only in Abracadabra, dilemmas arise. To start, depending on how many frozen embryos exist in the state, it is possible that the 2020 census, by not counting these judicially recognized children, underestimated the state’s population and therefore the number of representatives it is entitled to in the federal House of Representatives. (This, in turn, could mean that Abracadabra’s representation in the presidential Electoral College would increase by one.)

It is not clear which state would lose one representative in this scenario. However, it seems likely that, if anti-abortion groups succeed in taking the matter to the country’s highest judicial body, the Supine Corpse, the latter would apply the Abracadabra ruling throughout the country. But it is not clear if the Supine Corpse would, in such a case, order a new, emergency federal census, or let the question of state representation wait until the 2030 census. The question is not unimportant, as scientists estimate that there are more than a million frozen IVF embryos across the country.

But there is a possibly even more difficult question, which the Abracadabra court did not directly address. If, as the court ruled, a child is created at the moment of conception, then, obviously, a week later it is a week-old, a year later one year old, and so on. Frozen embryos can apparently be kept indefinitely—there is an instance of healthy twins being born from an embryo that had been frozen for 30 years. How many frozen embryos have reached voting age is not known, but there must be many that are no longer children, but teenagers or full adults, and of course the number of frozen potential voters is only going to increase.

However, neither Abracadabra nor any other state has made arrangements for enrolling 18-year-old embryos as voters. This seems an obvious violation of the constitutional right to equal treatment. A challenge to a close result in a swing state in November can easily be imagined based on a claim that the losing candidate’s frozen embryo supporters were not allowed to vote.

(Rooters agency) – According to anonymous reliable sources, the Iranian government has unofficially reached out through third countries to say that it recognizes that its launch of numerous drones and missiles against Israel was an “unnecessary” escalation of the situation following Israel’s bombing of an Iranian diplomatic building in Syria.

“We should have responded more in keeping with Israel’s attack,” an Iranian foreign affairs official is quoted as saying.

What the Iranians regard as a more measured response was not spelled out.

However, US Secretary of State Wynkin Blinkered, replying to reporters at the Gross Seven Foreign Ministers conference in Capri, said he did not think that an Iranian bombing of the Israeli Embassy in Washington would have “created less tension” than the actual Iranian response.

WASHINGTON, November 17, 2026 (Rooters agency analysis) – Less than two years ago, the nation seemed to believe that the 2024 Great Compromise (GC) had ushered in what would be at least a decade or so of relative political peace. How wrong we (nearly) all were.

When many of the 42 percent of voters who had been told their 2024 presidential candidate had lost stepped up their arming and threatened to launch immediate civil war, it became clear that the main thing they had in common—aside from the belief that most of their allies were Reversals In Name Only—was their opposition to computerized ballot counting.

Hence the central concession leading to the GC was the pledge to replace machine ballot tabulating with hand counting in future elections. Other concessions, such as releasing the former President from prison and allowing him and members of his family to take political asylum in Saudi Arabia, were important, but all observers knowledgeable about the negotiations leading to the GC agreed that hand counting of ballots was the crucial issue.

But now, two weeks after the 2026 midterm elections, enough votes have been counted to cause uproar among minority supporters. It appears that the Reversal Party has won about 37 percent of votes nationally, which is enough to give it only 45 or 46 percent of the seats in the House of Representatives and 46 or 47 percent of the Senate. These figures have enraged the party and its backers, who are claiming that the vote totals are fraudulent.

While acknowledging that ballots were hand counted in all areas, the critics say that the adding up of ballots from different electorates to give a statewide total was done, “nearly always, by computers,” and that these results can’t be trusted.

According to B.G. Pilloes, the spokesperson of the QA Right Thinkers Movement, “When the people who are doing the hand counting report their totals, we can accept those figures even if they don’t all agree with each other. But when those figures from different areas are reported to the state capitals, they are just added together by a computer or some other machine that is easy to rig.”

Pilloes said he would give a prize of $10 million to anyone who could prove that the machines totaling statewide votes were not programmed by Fidel Castro or Hugo Chavez.

Similarly, the Reverse Everything Alliance has issued a call to “take machines out of deciding who we elected.” When electorate totals are reported to state capitals, it said, they should be added together “by American voters, not by foreign machines. The arithmetic Americans have learned in school is easily up to that job.”

Endorsing that demand, Pilloes added, “To be really sure there’s no

Unexpected turmoil in midterm election results

WASHINGTON, November 17, 2026 (Rooters agency analysis) – Less than two years ago, the nation seemed to believe that the 2024 Great Compromise (GC) had ushered in what would be at least a decade or so of relative political peace. How wrong we (nearly) all were.

When many of the 42 percent of voters who had been told their 2024 presidential candidate had lost stepped up their arming and threatened to launch immediate civil war, it became clear that the main thing they had in common—aside from the belief that most of their allies were Reversals In Name Only—was their opposition to computerized ballot counting.

Hence the central concession leading to the GC was the pledge to replace machine ballot tabulating with hand counting in future elections. Other concessions, such as releasing the former President from prison and allowing him and members of his family to take political asylum in Saudi Arabia, were important, but all observers knowledgeable about the negotiations leading to the GC agreed that hand counting of ballots was the crucial issue.

But now, two weeks after the 2026 midterm elections, enough votes have been counted to cause uproar among minority supporters. It appears that the Reversal Party has won about 37 percent of votes nationally, which is enough to give it only 45 or 46 percent of the seats in the House of Representatives and 46 or 47 percent of the Senate. These figures have enraged the party and its backers, who are claiming that the vote totals are fraudulent.

While acknowledging that ballots were hand counted in all areas, the critics say that the adding up of ballots from different electorates to give a statewide total was done, “nearly always, by computers,” and that these results can’t be trusted.

According to B.G. Pilloes, the spokesperson of the QA Right Thinkers Movement, “When the people who are doing the hand counting report their totals, we can accept those figures even if they don’t all agree with each other. But when those figures from different areas are reported to the state capitals, they are just added together by a computer or some other machine that is easy to rig.”

Pilloes said he would give a prize of $10 million to anyone who could prove that the machines totaling statewide votes were not programmed by Fidel Castro or Hugo Chavez.

Similarly, the Reverse Everything Alliance has issued a call to “take machines out of deciding who we elected.” When electorate totals are reported to state capitals, it said, they should be added together “by American voters, not by foreign machines. The arithmetic Americans have learned in school is easily up to that job.”

Endorsing that demand, Pilloes added, “To be really sure there’s no fraud, we have to check everything. So we need a hand count of the electorate totals reported to the center. If they say there are 10,000 votes for candidate A and 9,500 for candidate B, we need to hand count those votes before we put them into the state total. And then hand count the total.”

fraud, we have to check everything. So we need a hand count of the electorate totals reported to the center. If they say there are 10,000 votes for candidate A and 9,500 for candidate B, we need to hand count those votes before we put them into the state total. And then hand count the total.”

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – According to White House insiders who must remain anonymous, President Joe Notrump is “frustrated” by his seeming inability to have greater influence on Israel’s war in Gaza.

The President is said to be “puzzled” by the lack of response of Israeli Prime Minister Bud Nottonyernelly to US efforts to restrain some of the more extreme operations of the Israeli Destruction Force (IDF). “I rang Nottonyernelly on our hotline a little while ago,” the President told one aide, “and all I got was recordings—music, followed by him saying ‘Hamas, Hamas, Hamas’ over and over again. Maybe it was too late at night there when I called?”

“We are considering how to increase our impact on the Israelis,” said another Administration official. The prevailing view among top advisers is that “the Israelis need to be reminded of how much they depend on us.” The President believes that the best way to ensure that “is to increase our financial and military support, so that they fully understand just how important we are to them.”

The President is also said to think that the impending IDF assault on Rafah can be forestalled “by a really massive flow of money and weapons in the next few weeks.”