WASHINGTON, October 31, 2024 (Rooters agency) – “This is not what we are. This is not the real America,” declared Retroactive Party Presidential candidate Ronald Dump.

Responding to the same news as Dump, Vice President Houdini Nubiden basically agreed: “We know America can do better. We’ve got the record to prove it.”

The two were both reacting to the reality that is now overwhelming social media: as of 7 o’clock this morning (EST), the United States has gone for an entire week without an assassination or attempted assassination of a prominent politician.

That in itself would have occasioned surprise, if not amazement. But during the same week, there were three consecutive school days without a single school shooting anywhere in the country. Even more amazing, during the same three days, throughout the country, there was not a single mass shooting.

The White House is reported to be planning a televised message to the nation from President Joe Notrump, which would stress that the latest lack of events was basically a statistical anomaly and not to be regarded as any sign of things to come. (Statisticians are still trying to work out the odds against these three non-events occurring simultaneously.)

However, President Notrump’s optimism about a quick return to business as usual was contradicted by Ronald Dump’s Vice Presidential running mate, J.P. Cramps: “I don’t see how the country can return to normal when the Demonstrative Party is organizing millions of cat ladies to attack the Second Amendment.”