Wholly Holy Truth magazine, the voice of the Wholly Holy Church of All the Truly Holy Apostles, is proud to present a journalistic exclusive. After our repeated humble prayers, the Lord of Hosts and Everything granted an exclusive interview exclusively to our reporter. The text of the exclusive interview is as follows.

Wholly Holy Truth: Lord, thank You for giving up some of Your valuable time in order to share Your views with our readers.

GOD: You’re welcome. But time? I’ve got no end of that. In fact, I created time, if I remember correctly. So if I run out of it, I can always create some more. Now, what would you like to ask me?

WHT: It concerns the attempted assassination of former President and presidential candidate Ronald Dump in July. As I’m sure You know, he turned aside just at the moment the would-be assassin’s rifle was fired and was therefore only slightly injured rather than killed. Some of Your supporters in this country—even some who claim to be Your representatives—say that it was You that caused him to turn, in order to save his life.

GOD: First of all, if I were to appoint a representative on your silly little planet, I would make a public announcement about it.

Secondly, if I was really interested in how you creatures kill each other, and if I had a reason to delay the death of your—what do you call it?—presidential candidate, why would I wait until the very last millisecond? You know, if I wanted to protect what’s-his-name, I could have put that lunatic with a rifle in hospital with Covid or made his car have a flat tire en route to the rally. I have lots of options, you know.

I see one of the missed shots killed an innocent bystander. Do my so-called representatives blame me for that?

WHT: Some people say You decided to intervene in the whole affair only at the last minute, or last second.

GOD: I know that many of you think I change my mind—and even that you can persuade me to do so—by praying, for example.

It’s true that I have sometimes changed my mind. For instance, in your solar system, I originally was thinking of having the climates of Earth and Venus be more or less the reverse of what they ended up, but in the end I decided that would require too many complicated modifications of the laws of physics.

But if I had decided to switch my attention from managing several trillion galaxies in order to change something in your trivial little solar system, I would have done so at the start. The shooter wouldn’t have gotten near the place. Maybe he would never have been born. Don’t forget: I control everything.

WHT: But, if I may ask, what caused former President Dump to turn aside at the last second?

GOD: I haven’t looked into that, and I have other things to do. Maybe you could ask that poet, John Milton, if he’s still alive, who wrote a long and very funny poem about the activities of some of my mischievous angels.