WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – In a special address to the nation, the President this evening announced the beginning of a comprehensive social, political and economic plan to “degrade, undermine, and make irrelevant” the Islamic State and other terrorist groups.
“It has been said many times,” the President declared, “and indeed I have said it many times myself. ISIS is a death cult, and they hate us because of our freedom, or what’s left of it, and the fact that we’ve left more of it for ourselves than for them.
“But it never occurred to me until just a few days ago that the way to defeat a death cult is to create a Life Cult. That has begun today. It will include, but not be limited to, the following measures.
“First, the Guantánamo concentration camp and torture center – to give it an accurate name – will be closed immediately. The remaining prisoners will be flown to whatever destination they choose, and we will use our utmost diplomatic efforts to ensure that the governments of those destinations accept these former prisoners and provide them with everything they require to resume a normal life. The United States government will of course pay all expenses that may be involved.
“Next, I am today ordering the steady dismantling of the country’s entire nuclear arsenal. It is hardly surprising that poor and oppressed people around the world think that killing a few tens or hundreds of people might solve their problems, when our government maintains the threat to destroy millions or billions of people – and really, perhaps the entire human race – if we don’t get our way.”
An accompanying background paper from the President’s office added that the US would invite “those nuclear powers that have in the past been most threatened by us” – presumed to mean Russia and China – to witness the destruction of US nuclear weapons and request them to follow the US example. Allies would be encouraged to do the same by the threat of withdrawal of funding and/or trade preferences.
In addition to nuclear disarmament, the President pledged prompt steps toward general disarmament. “Within six months, beginning from today, the United States military forces – personnel, weapons, bases, everything – will be dismantled by at least 50%. The effort will focus initially on removing all bases outside the United States. The hundreds of billions of dollars saved will be entirely devoted to improving the living standards of ordinary people in the poorest areas of our planet, both through direct assistance and by financing urgent measures to curtail the release of greenhouse gases and counteract the effects of climate change.
“These measures will reduce US military expenditures from about half of the world’s military spending to about a third of that total. The US will then seek to negotiate reductions by all the world’s major military powers, while continuing its own disarmament. An obvious corollary of these measures is an immediate and permanent ban on the supply or export of military equipment of any kind to any country.”
The background paper noted that these measures would have immediate benefits for both US consumers and the environment, because the US military is the world’s biggest consumer of fossil fuels. The reduction of the military would therefore reduce both fuel prices and greenhouse gas emissions.
“Closer to home,” the President continued, “I am sending to the Congress a bill for a constitutional amendment to ban the death penalty anywhere in the United States.
“There is also the catastrophe of the vast number of our citizens and residents imprisoned for so-called crimes that have harmed no one except possibly themselves. I am referring, of course, to people sentenced only for consuming illegal drugs, an act that should be seen at worst as a health problem. I have today issued a pardon to all such people sentenced under federal laws, and I will be actively pressing each of our country’s 50 state governors immediately to pardon those sentenced under their state’s laws.”
The President concluded by promising further far-reaching measures. “The steps I have announced tonight are only the beginning – as I said earlier, I only got the idea for this a few weeks ago, and I haven’t had time to figure it all out.
“But these obvious measures point the way to further measures, and many of them release previously wasted funds that can finance those further measures. I encourage all of you to meet in your homes and communities and suggest further things we can do to transform our country from one that sought to fight death cults with more death and destruction into one that sets an example of the celebration of life.
Is this guy serious that we would produce a program that says things like this? What planet does he live on? Sack him immediately. I want a series on the Islamic threat to civilization ready by the end of the month.