NEW YORK (Rooters agency) — In a move hailed by numerous diplomats as “long overdue”, the United Nations today, by a margin of everyone else to 2, voted to expel the United States from the world.
A multitude of factors have contributed to an increasing view in the rest of the world that it would be better for all concerned if the US relocated to a different planet. But the clincher for today’s UN vote was the recently concluded US presidential election and, in particular, the speeches of the two candidates at the conclusion.
The pressure has built up gradually. “The rest of the world puts up with a lot,” one diplomat explained. “Barack Obama gets the Nobel Peace Prize because he didn’t kill anyone during his inaugural address — okay, we groan and look the other way.
“As soon as he finds the buttons, Obama starts dropping bombs on wedding parties in obscure rural areas. No problem — a lot of our governments would like to do the same thing, and Obama saves us the expense and the local backlash.”
But what the rest of the world’s governments couldn’t abide, according to all the diplomats interviewed, was the feigned good will and the endless repetition of American exceptionalism that characterized both the concession and acceptance speeches.
“English is my fifth language” said one diplomat. “But if I were hired as their speech writer, I could produce something better than that meaningless drivel in my sleep. It was better under Dubbya — at least then no one expected anything he said to mean something.
“We may be mass murderers too, but we have some taste. To see those two dills waltzing and schmaltzing each other and pretending to care about anyone other than themselves was just too much.”
The lack of another habitable planet in the immediate neighborhood has always been the obstacle to a UN vote on extraterrestrializing the United States. However, the authors of yesterday’s resolution found a way, which now seems obvious, around the difficulty. Their resolution stated: “Since political life in the United States never rises above the level of soap opera, the United States should remove itself to a TV network somewhere and let the rest of us get on with real life”.
This idea has already been enthusiastically endorsed by the Pox Network, which quickly announced its readiness to host “significant parts” of the United States if the price was right. “We are always looking for new soap opera material”, a Pox spokesmouth explained. “US politics seems to consist of little else.”
Pox productions of the United States, if a contract is signed, are likely to include works in progress such as “Muslims Are Coming To Eat Your Babies” and “World War III — See It Now While You Still Can.”
The two votes against the motion came from Israel and Antarctica. Antarctica is neither a country nor a UN member, as was pointed out by several media commentators as soon as their research departments alerted them. However, the vast majority of diplomats were “so relieved to be rid of the US” that they weren’t going to challenge minor irregularities and thus perhaps open the way to a reversal of the successful motion.
It was a surprise to some that the US abstained on the vote. Domestic political considerations appear to have been dominant here. A significant number of US voters believe that the world needs to measure up to higher standards to be worthy of having the US as part of it. They are quite willing to withdraw to television until the world improves.