Plastics: Scientists find no need for concern

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Scientists this week announced some good news: we can stop worrying about the amount of plastic accumulating in our environment, and particularly in our food chain.

Some scientists and environmentalists have long been concerned about the quantity of plastic that human society dumps into the oceans, and how that plastic partially breaks down and then enters the food chain, eventually ending up in human cells. How that accumulated plastic might affect our health or other characteristics has been a big unknown.

Scientists at the Far West New Jersey Institute of Biological Research began to find an answer when they realized that the distribution of plastics into human beings was not likely to be uniform. Not only would fish eaters be more likely to ingest plastics than non-fish eaters, but chance – pure accident – could perhaps cause a much greater than average accumulation in a small group or family.

What they eventually found far exceeded their expectations. After complex computer-driven evaluations of hundreds of characteristics in millions of people, the researchers discovered an American family whose members’ cells – that is, their entire bodies – were composed of astonishingly large proportions of plastic – from 96.3 percent to an amazing 99.12 percent.

Some Americans, but not all that many, were surprised to learn that America’s Plastic Family is the family of President Ronald Dump (the member who scored the 99.12 percent rating).

Most of the public could immediately identify at least a few of the characteristics that played a part in the Institute’s evaluation. Ronald Dump’s total lack of human empathy was one of the most obvious, as was his inability to speak a coherent sentence. As for others in the family, his daughter Vankilla and her husband Jaded Kumquat have long been known in Washington as “Barbie and Ken”; when Vankilla was seen to blink once at a recent ceremonial flagellation of refugee children, it produced a storm of controversy on social media.

The researchers also reported that the plastic concentration of Ronald Dump’s wife Vanilla (96.3 percent) had recently increased, from an estimated 92.4 percent at the time of Dump’s inauguration. They did not attempt to explain this increase, but it may be related to rumors that the First Lady has been injecting plastics in an effort to fit in better with the rest of the family.

But aside from such details, the scientists’ conclusion from the evidence is clear: being made almost entirely of plastic is no obstacle to success in America.

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