DNC announces new Presidential candidate

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – After weeks of dissension within the party regarding its Presidential candidate, the Democratic National Cabal (DNC) today announced a compromise new candidate.

The original presumptive nominee, Bogus Blending, was sent an email telling him that the 2020 election had been held and he had lost, but that he could continue to use the title “Vice President.” From a basement somewhere in a small city in a small state, he replied: “It’s beEn an honor %#@ how do yoU make this tHIng go/”

The party’s new candidate, Jo(e) Carrot, has none of the characteristics that had caused controversy in regard to Mr Blending, the DNC declared. Carrot has not previously held either elected or appointed office and therefore “has never cast a vote in favor of or against anything nasty or reactionary or progressive, and so hasn’t offended anyone (we hope).”

Furthermore, as indicated by the name, Jo(e) Carrot is a carrot. This guarantees an intelligence level greatly superior to that of the incumbent President Ronald Dump. Equally important, it means that Carrot is unlikely to have sexually assaulted any human being – ever, anywhere.

(An anonymous source in the DNC reports that there is internal discussion of the possibility that a record of sexual assault may be a vote-winner in crucial electorates. In case that view prevails, a subcommittee is preparing a list of possible accusations, focused on broccoli, to be leaked at an appropriate time.)

However, the DNC is reported to be not 100 percent confident of the campaign slogan, “Go for Jo(e)!” While the gender neutrality of a carrot, emphasized by the ambiguity of the candidate’s name, is considered a likely winner with LGBQTI voters, there are fears that it may alienate the Evangelical Christian vote. The matter will be determined by future polls, but Jo(e) Carrot has already agreed to be identified as “Joe Carrot” if the experts so advise.

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