Retraction of our fake news

ATLANTA (Rooters4 agency), December 3, 2042 – The White House today denounced as “treasonous scare-mongering” our report yesterday, which fakedly said that Hurricane 27 last week had flooded large parts of Miami and Fort Lauderdale.

Rooters4 unreservedly acknowledges the accuracy of the White House correction, which pointed out that the recently flooded areas had been excised from those cities after 2039’s Hurricane 21, as being populated mainly by “not real Americans.” The so-called reporter responsible for our false news has been fired and referred to the Fake News Police.

Rooters4 also acknowledges that our false report could create unwarranted panic in areas likely to be affected by Hurricane 28, which is expected to hit the area around DC the day after tomorrow.

We should have realized that many poorly educated and suggestible residents in DC may be influenced by the ridiculous theory that the localized land subsidence that saw the nation’s capital moved from DC to Atlanta was actually a result of so-called global warming – a fake news theory that continues to have adherents even though snow falls are expected in many parts of Minnesota, North Dakota, and Montana within the next month, and despite the current cold in Ukraine and other parts of the world.

In good news, America’s allies have pledged substantial assistance to the recovery from Hurricane 27. The Prime Minister of England and South Wales has said he will reduce tariffs on American products during the recovery, including taxes on chlorinated chicken, opioids, semi-automatic firearms, and coal. Since most American goods already enter England and South Wales duty free, the reduction will result in a negative tariff; this means that the ESW government will provide a subsidy for the importation of the American products.

Rooters4 again apologizes for the above errors and is pleased to announce that a restructuring of the company, involving a substantial investment from Ronald Dump Group, will shortly result in a new, improved Rooters5.

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